Meant to post this yeaterday but, meh.
Hope you all had a happy 4th, and for those of you who aren't American, hope you had a happy Saturday you commie bastards. (that's a joke folks.)
Anyway first up I have Earnest Evans, a game Julee suggested after playing it on her Dreamcast. It's worse than it looks.
Then we picked one off the list to do, we decided to do Super Mario Bros., cuz honestly how much can you talk about the game? Before you watch our video, you gotta see this one, in particular the second half of it. This one is from Master0fHyrule
So here's our video, which has us talking quite a bit about that Ar Tornelico shit.
You know if I hadn't fucked up the first warp zone in 4-2 I might have beaten it in the video.
Then lastly we have a GameCube collection update.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
New videos for today
Here's the new videos.
First up we have an unreleased (and bad) version of Ninja Gaiden for the Genesis. I actually play through the entire fucking thing because it's so short.
Then we have a game called Rendering Ranger R2 which kinda reminds me of Gunstar Heroes and Contra. I liked it, but SNES9x was randomly not playing it, so I was forced to use my backup emulator, ZSNES
Lastly, we have part 10 of I Wanna Be The Guy. This video is great because I get past Mecha Birdo, but Hypercam did some weird shit and the game crashed at one point. So parts of the screen are unfortunately cut off.
First up we have an unreleased (and bad) version of Ninja Gaiden for the Genesis. I actually play through the entire fucking thing because it's so short.
Then we have a game called Rendering Ranger R2 which kinda reminds me of Gunstar Heroes and Contra. I liked it, but SNES9x was randomly not playing it, so I was forced to use my backup emulator, ZSNES
Lastly, we have part 10 of I Wanna Be The Guy. This video is great because I get past Mecha Birdo, but Hypercam did some weird shit and the game crashed at one point. So parts of the screen are unfortunately cut off.
10 Rules For Attending a Video Game Party
Parties are hard work, and really not all that much fun for the person hosting. Yesterday we looked at 10 ways they could make the experience great for their guests at a video game party. Today, let's look at things you can do as a guess to not fuck it up.
1. Don't be a douche, let others have a turn
Don't hog the damn games. Is it really that hard? Follow any rules set by the host in regards to how long you should play. If the host didn't have the foresight to set a rule, that doesn't give you a license for douchery. Quit being a hog, pass the controller and give up your seat for a while.
2. B.Y.O.G.
Bring your own games. Bring your own controllers. Offer to do this ahead of time. You can bring backups in case games don't work or games you think might be fun to play. Remember that you're not in charge and talk to the host first about it.
3. Have respect for other people's equipment.
It's not your stuff, so don't break it. Don't be a dick and throw the controller because you're frustrated. Be careful when handling other people's games, you look like a massive tool if you scratch them. You wouldn't want people coming to your house and fucking up your shit, so don't fuck the shit of others, up or otherwise.
4. Shut up/Quit Bitching
No one cares about your stupid console wars. No one cares if you think a game/series/console is "sooo gayyyyy" This bitching is annoying and makes everyone want to launch themselves across the room and drop kick you. It's even worse when you're breaking the first rule also, hogging up the damn console while bitching about it the entire time. Shut the fuck up, no one cares.
5. You're here to have fun, not to "pwnx0r n00bs"
I realize that multiplayer gaming is competitive. That doesn't mean be a dick about it. You're there to have fun, not to prove you're the best and rub it in others faces. Try and play people closer to your skill level. If you're just dominating everyone, that's actually fine. Being a total cocksmith about it is not.
6. Food/Drinks and Electronic Equipment do not mix.
It's obvious that at a party, there's bound to be both food and drinks. But food and drinks don't mix well with playing video games. Please for the love of shit eat while you're NOT playing and wash your hands before you pick up the controller. No one wants their controllers smeared with grease and no one wants beer spilled on their Playstation 2.
7. Clean up after yourself
Don't leave the host to clean up the ungodly mess you made. I don't care if you have to be somewhere, clean up after yourself you fucking asshole.
8. Stop bragging, no one gives a shit
Nothing wrong with a celebratory w00t, but stop bragging, we're all over it, why aren't you? That goes for more than just winning however, if you go in bragging, you look like a cock, and it's twice as embarrassing for you when you lose.
9. Don't be a wii-tard
If this game party is any sort of decent, there will be a Wii involved. That being said, follow the obviously simple advice that the games even give you. Use the wiimote jacket, use the strap and watch where you're swinging your arms. No one wants to get hit by a wiimote or a wiimote wielding maniac.
10. Wash your hands before and after playing.
I mentioned this before, but it really has more to it than getting whatever food or drink is all over your greasy mitts. It's also a health thing. Think about how many people are touching these controllers and how many people have touched them before. I'm not saying run to the bathroom every 3 minutes but at least have SOME sort of sanitary practices.
1. Don't be a douche, let others have a turn
Don't hog the damn games. Is it really that hard? Follow any rules set by the host in regards to how long you should play. If the host didn't have the foresight to set a rule, that doesn't give you a license for douchery. Quit being a hog, pass the controller and give up your seat for a while.
2. B.Y.O.G.
Bring your own games. Bring your own controllers. Offer to do this ahead of time. You can bring backups in case games don't work or games you think might be fun to play. Remember that you're not in charge and talk to the host first about it.
3. Have respect for other people's equipment.
It's not your stuff, so don't break it. Don't be a dick and throw the controller because you're frustrated. Be careful when handling other people's games, you look like a massive tool if you scratch them. You wouldn't want people coming to your house and fucking up your shit, so don't fuck the shit of others, up or otherwise.
4. Shut up/Quit Bitching
No one cares about your stupid console wars. No one cares if you think a game/series/console is "sooo gayyyyy" This bitching is annoying and makes everyone want to launch themselves across the room and drop kick you. It's even worse when you're breaking the first rule also, hogging up the damn console while bitching about it the entire time. Shut the fuck up, no one cares.
5. You're here to have fun, not to "pwnx0r n00bs"
I realize that multiplayer gaming is competitive. That doesn't mean be a dick about it. You're there to have fun, not to prove you're the best and rub it in others faces. Try and play people closer to your skill level. If you're just dominating everyone, that's actually fine. Being a total cocksmith about it is not.
6. Food/Drinks and Electronic Equipment do not mix.
It's obvious that at a party, there's bound to be both food and drinks. But food and drinks don't mix well with playing video games. Please for the love of shit eat while you're NOT playing and wash your hands before you pick up the controller. No one wants their controllers smeared with grease and no one wants beer spilled on their Playstation 2.
7. Clean up after yourself
Don't leave the host to clean up the ungodly mess you made. I don't care if you have to be somewhere, clean up after yourself you fucking asshole.
8. Stop bragging, no one gives a shit
Nothing wrong with a celebratory w00t, but stop bragging, we're all over it, why aren't you? That goes for more than just winning however, if you go in bragging, you look like a cock, and it's twice as embarrassing for you when you lose.
9. Don't be a wii-tard
If this game party is any sort of decent, there will be a Wii involved. That being said, follow the obviously simple advice that the games even give you. Use the wiimote jacket, use the strap and watch where you're swinging your arms. No one wants to get hit by a wiimote or a wiimote wielding maniac.
10. Wash your hands before and after playing.
I mentioned this before, but it really has more to it than getting whatever food or drink is all over your greasy mitts. It's also a health thing. Think about how many people are touching these controllers and how many people have touched them before. I'm not saying run to the bathroom every 3 minutes but at least have SOME sort of sanitary practices.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Just wanted to mention
I love Tiger Woods 07 for 360, but fuck that Wheeler guy. Fuck him for being annoying and fuck him for beating me even after I got TWO hole-in-ones.
Seriously.
Seriously.
10 Rules For Hosting a Video Game Party
So you're thinking of having a video game party. Or maybe you're just having a party and video games are going to be played. Well, it could wind up being a disaster. Here's 10 rules to avoid that.
1. Have a wide variety of games and systems ready
Please don't be a one-trick pony, claiming to be hosting an awesome video game party and then all you have is Halo and a copy of Madden from several years ago. Aside from the fact that you just handed in your balls for a copy of your Gramer Membership Cardtm, you're a douche for having a lack of variety. Get several systems and several games for each system. Don't just pick out what you plan on playing (see number 2), but get anything that is multiplayer and fun. And the best types of games to use are ones that could be played by MORE than two people. So while Street Fighter IV is a great idea, Super Smash Bros Brawl is an even better one. Finally, have the shit all set up and ready to go, get one of the multi-AV boxes so you can have several systems hooked up with no hassle.
2. Let the guests pick the games.
You're the host, so be a gracious one and allow your guests, or at least a general consensus of your guests, pick out the games. Don't make everyone play what you want to play, because it may not be their idea of fun. Actually listen to people and let them pick games out (or encourage them to bring their own). Because if you're the only one having a good time, then your party fucking sucks.
3. Unlock shit
Don't just buy a game, and expect it to be playable by loads of people right out of the box. This goes especially for fighting games and Rythym games. It's pretty lame if you don't have all the characters for your Street Fighter game available, or if you bring out Guitar Hero and your guests are limited to a handful of songs. Take the time to play them on your own and unlock everything first. Don't heve everything unlocked in Guitar Hero World Tour? Then Play Guitar Hero III instead.
4. Let your guests play
Quit being a douche. You can play your games whenever. Let the guests play them now. Get off the couch and just watch for a while. I'm not saying you shouldn't play anything, but you should definitely play less than your guests.
5. Lay down the law
Just because you're taking your time to follow these rules and not be a douche doesn't necessarily mean that people won't be douches if they see an prime opportunity for douchery. Pre-empt any incidents of doucheism by laying down the law right away. Set some fair and balanced rules that will maximize fun and minimize fail. The most important thing is to make sure people are not being dicks to each other and they're not hogging up the fucking games. Laying down the law early will prevent these things usually, and in the case you gotta tell someone to GTFO then you're the hero, not a dick.
6. Test your equipment
This is basic. Make sure all your systems work, make sure all your games work, make sure all your controllers work. Test the controllers and games with the systems you plan on using because no amount of "the fuck, it worked on my other x-box!" will make you look like less of a failtard. Seriously. Be on the lookout for scratched discs and failing systems. And test the controllers thoroughly (fighting games are usually great to test controllers with.) so you know that they don't just work, they work WELL. Speaking of which, having backups is not a bad idea.
7. Switch it up when necessary.
Read your guests, try and keep it fresh and switch games or systems when necessary. Maybe people are getting tired of Rock Band already, so bust something else out. Make a suggestion and see if they go for it. On the flipside, if people want to play the same game all night, let them.
8. Have a decent set-up
Please for the love of shit don't tell me you're huddling all around a 14 inch screen TV from the 80's. If you're doing that, then please smash your face into the wood paneling that I know you have in your basement and stop trying to have game parties. A decent size TV is a must, as is a stereo system hooked up to it.
9. Have decent seating options
Please have more than a couch. Seriously. Get some armchairs, put a rug down and fuck, get beanbags if you need to. But make sure everyone is comfortable and has a decent spot to sit with a decent view of the TV. This is not just for the people playing, it's for everybody watching. And clean your damn couch you slob, nobody wants to sit on the couch you made love to every night. Yes, I know you do that, everyone knows.
10. Invest in wireless controllers and batteries
Seriously. Bust out the wireless controllers and the FRESH batteries. Make sure they work and have plenty of spare batteries on hand just in case. No wires to trip over or get all tangled up, and it gives your guests more mobility and ability to sit where they want to and game it up. Move your stupid ugly Ikea coffee table out of the way so nothing is interrupting the line of sight or your Wii sensor bar.
1. Have a wide variety of games and systems ready
Please don't be a one-trick pony, claiming to be hosting an awesome video game party and then all you have is Halo and a copy of Madden from several years ago. Aside from the fact that you just handed in your balls for a copy of your Gramer Membership Cardtm, you're a douche for having a lack of variety. Get several systems and several games for each system. Don't just pick out what you plan on playing (see number 2), but get anything that is multiplayer and fun. And the best types of games to use are ones that could be played by MORE than two people. So while Street Fighter IV is a great idea, Super Smash Bros Brawl is an even better one. Finally, have the shit all set up and ready to go, get one of the multi-AV boxes so you can have several systems hooked up with no hassle.
2. Let the guests pick the games.
You're the host, so be a gracious one and allow your guests, or at least a general consensus of your guests, pick out the games. Don't make everyone play what you want to play, because it may not be their idea of fun. Actually listen to people and let them pick games out (or encourage them to bring their own). Because if you're the only one having a good time, then your party fucking sucks.
3. Unlock shit
Don't just buy a game, and expect it to be playable by loads of people right out of the box. This goes especially for fighting games and Rythym games. It's pretty lame if you don't have all the characters for your Street Fighter game available, or if you bring out Guitar Hero and your guests are limited to a handful of songs. Take the time to play them on your own and unlock everything first. Don't heve everything unlocked in Guitar Hero World Tour? Then Play Guitar Hero III instead.
4. Let your guests play
Quit being a douche. You can play your games whenever. Let the guests play them now. Get off the couch and just watch for a while. I'm not saying you shouldn't play anything, but you should definitely play less than your guests.
5. Lay down the law
Just because you're taking your time to follow these rules and not be a douche doesn't necessarily mean that people won't be douches if they see an prime opportunity for douchery. Pre-empt any incidents of doucheism by laying down the law right away. Set some fair and balanced rules that will maximize fun and minimize fail. The most important thing is to make sure people are not being dicks to each other and they're not hogging up the fucking games. Laying down the law early will prevent these things usually, and in the case you gotta tell someone to GTFO then you're the hero, not a dick.
6. Test your equipment
This is basic. Make sure all your systems work, make sure all your games work, make sure all your controllers work. Test the controllers and games with the systems you plan on using because no amount of "the fuck, it worked on my other x-box!" will make you look like less of a failtard. Seriously. Be on the lookout for scratched discs and failing systems. And test the controllers thoroughly (fighting games are usually great to test controllers with.) so you know that they don't just work, they work WELL. Speaking of which, having backups is not a bad idea.
7. Switch it up when necessary.
Read your guests, try and keep it fresh and switch games or systems when necessary. Maybe people are getting tired of Rock Band already, so bust something else out. Make a suggestion and see if they go for it. On the flipside, if people want to play the same game all night, let them.
8. Have a decent set-up
Please for the love of shit don't tell me you're huddling all around a 14 inch screen TV from the 80's. If you're doing that, then please smash your face into the wood paneling that I know you have in your basement and stop trying to have game parties. A decent size TV is a must, as is a stereo system hooked up to it.
9. Have decent seating options
Please have more than a couch. Seriously. Get some armchairs, put a rug down and fuck, get beanbags if you need to. But make sure everyone is comfortable and has a decent spot to sit with a decent view of the TV. This is not just for the people playing, it's for everybody watching. And clean your damn couch you slob, nobody wants to sit on the couch you made love to every night. Yes, I know you do that, everyone knows.
10. Invest in wireless controllers and batteries
Seriously. Bust out the wireless controllers and the FRESH batteries. Make sure they work and have plenty of spare batteries on hand just in case. No wires to trip over or get all tangled up, and it gives your guests more mobility and ability to sit where they want to and game it up. Move your stupid ugly Ikea coffee table out of the way so nothing is interrupting the line of sight or your Wii sensor bar.
New Videos
Didn't do any yesterday, was too tired. Actually I did one, the first one was recorded last night with Julee but I wasn't able to get the audio from her until today. So there's part seven of I Wanna Be The Guy, with Julee
I went to do another one today, it wound up being in two parts because I ran over the youtube limit thinking I had a chance at killing this fucking bird bastard. So here's parts 8 and 9.
I dunno, Birdo's a pain because it takes so long to go through the whole ordeal. Hope I beat the fucker soon. Gotta love the Mega Man X/Ikaruga style intro though.
I went to do another one today, it wound up being in two parts because I ran over the youtube limit thinking I had a chance at killing this fucking bird bastard. So here's parts 8 and 9.
I dunno, Birdo's a pain because it takes so long to go through the whole ordeal. Hope I beat the fucker soon. Gotta love the Mega Man X/Ikaruga style intro though.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
10 Games That Damaged The Gaming Industry
Yesterday I took a look at 10 games that were important, they helped shape the gaming industry in positive ways. Today I'm taking a look at 10 games that also shaped and changed the industry, just in negative ways.
Keep in mind, this is not necessarily a list of 10 terrible games, though some of them are bad. I freely admit that I like some of these games, just that they had bad and sometimes unintentional consequences.
So bearing that in mind, here's the list.
1. Pac-Man
Without a doubt, the original arcade version of Pac-Man is a timeless classic, an amazingly simplistic yet fun game that had it's own positive effect on the industry. The idea of owning the game on a home console was extremely attractive to many people, so the hotly anticipated Atari 2600 version could have been amazing. So what went wrong? Well to start off, the game is just awful. Gamers expected a come-down in graphics from arcade to Atari 2600, but the game was drab with very few colors, all of them ugly. The flickering of the sprites, terrible gameplay and the fact that it barely resembled Pac-Man hurt the game greatly. To make matters worse, Atari produced way too many cartridges, so many in fact that the amount of Pac Man cartridges outstripped the number of Atari 2600 consoles owned. I guess Atari thought people would be so hard for Pac Man that they'd all rush out and get the console. This is stupid, but it's even worse with the game being bad. Many unsold cartridges wound up crushed up and buried in a landfill, along with the next game on my list...
2. E.T.
The story behind E.T. is a lot like the story behind Pac-Man. The game was hotly anticipated, way too many cartridges were made, the game itself was proved to be awful by almost all accounts (check out my video of it, in place of the usual screen shot.) The game was also crushed up and buried with pac man catridges and Atari systems that either never got sold, or in the case of E.T., were sold and then returned as unplayable. In the end, the game was so bad that Atari couldn't even manage to give away copies of the game, the children and gamers of America wouldn't even accept it as a gift. Along with Pac-Man, E.T. contributed to the great Video Game crash that destroyed the industry. It wasn't until Nintendo came along with their ingenious little box that the video games were shown to be viable again.
3. Custer's Revenge
Speaking of Atari...Back in those days, Atari made all the games. Even games based on arcade games made by other companies, like Namco's Pac-Man, were made by Atari. It was their console after all. Then some Atari employees got pissed off, left and formed their own company, Activision. They released games for the Atari 2600. Atari was like "nuh-uh!" and sued. They failed. The third party developer was born. Here's the bad side. Atari smut. I mean, the fact that there's video game smut doesn't surprise me. You actually kind of expect it, especially that video games are a largely Japanese phenomenon. But this was before there was really any chance of the graphics being titillating enough for pixel pr0n to be viable. Hell, the characters barely resemble what they're supposed to be. To make matters worse, Custer's Revenge was a game about General Armstrong Custer raping the shit out of a Native American woman tied to a cactus, while arrows shoot at him. Is there a single demographic that isn't offended by this? The game was so offensive that retailers who did bother to stock it kept it behind the counter. Meaning you had to ask for it. "Do you have that rape game with the Indians?" The damage the game did is obvious, and porn games for the most part kept out of America. Which really, is sort of a good thing.
4. Sonic The Hedgehog
Sonic The Hedgehog is proof that even great games considered by many (including myself) to be classics can cause lasting and powerful damage to the gaming industry. You may not even be aware of the shit this game caused, but now you will know. And knowledge is power, so you're about to become a little bit more like Mr. T. Anyway, Sonic was a great game that spawned many great sequels. It also eventually spawned some bad ones, but that's not the issue. The issue is that Sonic was created in a very odd way compared to his contemporary, Mario. Mario's entire design in Donkey Kong was created to both show off the graphics and to hide limitations in the graphics. Sonic was created to be "cool". The fact that he did turn out to be cool is kind of beside the point. All of a sudden, there were a hundred and one corporate crated "hip" cartoon gaming mascots with "tuuuuude, duuuuude". Thanks to this blue fucker, games like Awesome Possum and Bubsy exist. The 90's were plagued with these sonic clones and shitty, unimaginative characters. While some turned out decent games (Klonoa) most were just mung-quality. So for that, we have to admit the truth. Sonic was a great game, but it was responsible for a lot of bullshit.
5. Mortal Kombat
Mortal Kombat also was not a bad game, though it was vastly overrated. Made perhaps in direct response to Street Fighter II, Mortal Kombat did things differently. Instead of focusing on gameplay and fun, they just decided to make it violent. Because this is what idiot teenagers in the 90's wanted. I lament the many, many times someone has looked me in the eye and told me that Mortal Kombat was way better than Street Fighter II because "you can kill people in it." Folks, is this what makes a good game? Am I the only one sane left? Mortal Kombat had shoddy controls, ugly digitized graphics and over-the-top gore that really added nothing but shock value to the game. Though some of the games in the series are good, even great, the fact is that Mortal Kombat was the first to do this and it was controversial. This shit was even on the news. We can thank Mortal Kombat for the government threatening to censor the gaming industry (surprised they didn't want to step in for Custer's Revenge), and the creation of the ESRB, our only, feeble defense against this. It also spawned an entire pseudo-genre of games that were nothing more than buckets of blood, and very little substance. Fuck that.
6. Night Trap
Night Trap is fucking retarded. We pretty much know this now, but believe it or not this Sega CD abomination was once really popular. Having C-list actors in it probably contributed to this. Suddenly games didn't look like little pixels, they had real people in them! And you could control the real people! Well, obviously not. But so many were suckered in by Night Trap, and it's success spawned the idiotic FMV craze that infested consoles, arcades and even PC games. With very little actual gameplay, and just some terrible footage of actors embarrassing themselves, these sorts of games glutted the market on the Sega CD, overshadowing games that actually were decent. The Sega CD was killed, and CD technology became tabboo in the industry, at least until Sony came along with their ingenious box.
7. Grand Theft Auto 3
Speaking of the Playstation...Grand Theft Auto 3 is a fucking abomination. No, I'm not saying it's a bad game. I would say it's depressingly mediocre, but that's beside the point. GTA3 gave birth to the Gramer. The Gramer is like the Gamer, only he doesn't like games. He claims to like games, but only ones called GTA, Halo and Madden. Fuck the Gramer in his stupid ass, and fuck this overrated game for creating that horrible abomination. GTA3 was basically a game where you had missions, but instead of playing them you could do whatever you want. Which means most people just sat there getting blowjobs from hookers then running them over with their stolen car. While giggling. The fact is, this is just Mortal Kombat all over again, appealing to the idiot who just wants to see and create carnage. This is their idea of fun, not innovation or well designed and balanced gameplay. There's a game in there somewhere, and some of the later GTA games even were fucking decent. But still, the focus was all on vicariously being a shithead.
8. BMX XXX
This one is so retarded I don't want to talk about it that much. Video game smut returns to prominence, this time masquerading as an extreme sports title. Originally this was going to be Dave Mirra's Frestyle BMX 3, until he saw the product and said fuck if you're putting my name on that shit. Aside from the "thrill" of riding around on a bicycle as a topless chick, the game had a "storyline" that was a cross between Jackass and the kind of retarded jokes only 12 year old boys think are funny. You gotta wonder if they wouldn't rethink the "M for Mature" rating on games, as this game is anything but Mature. Thankfully, it's damage was not great, as the game bombed horribly. But the attention it got in mainstream media certainly didn't help us.
9. Halo: Combat Evolved
Okay, it's not secret that I can't stand this game. You can spare me the comments. I know you love it, and I know you don't understand why I don't, even after I explain it to you. This lack of understanding and being a fan of Halo can be somewhat linked, though I'm no scientist. The fact is, Halo is fucking boring. Yes, we all know you love to gather around with your friends and play the shit out of the multiplayer. But if the campaign sucks and has level design equivalent to walking through the same fucking shit over and over again, then why bother? Halo has almost destroyed the FPS genre, and it's not because it's mediocre. It's not even because it's a gramer game, and that does play a part. It's the whole concept of lazy design and gameplay that offers no challenge whatsoever. Thanks to this game, everyone and their mother expects their life to magically refill in a game just because they ducked behind something. Maybe it might have at least had a thematic place in this game, but with games like Call of Duty 2 and Quantum of Solace doing it, you gotta wonder what's in that crack they're smoking. Other than crack that is.
10. Wii Sports
Finally, we have the top selling video game of all time. The ridiculously wide spread Wii Sports is actually a pretty damn fun game. The problem? Well of course there's the many imitators. It created a genre of full priced games that were nothing more than collections of mini games, usually with one or two fun ones in there, but mostly shitty ones. It also is the reason that many, MANY people fail to recognize the Wii as a legitimate gaming machine. Many people will say "That's the thing you play bowling on". The whole Nintendo collection is lost. Hell, my sister's boyfriend even said this, as he was surprised to see me playing Wario Land Shake It, he didn't know there were actual GAMES for the Wii. He thought it was all Wii Sports. Fail. That being said, I want to be fair. It sold a lot of Wii's, and it is a great machine. And it's getting non-gamers into our hobby, which (sorry elitists) is a good thing. That doesn't mean I can forgive it for "Carnival Games"
Keep in mind, this is not necessarily a list of 10 terrible games, though some of them are bad. I freely admit that I like some of these games, just that they had bad and sometimes unintentional consequences.
So bearing that in mind, here's the list.
1. Pac-Man
Without a doubt, the original arcade version of Pac-Man is a timeless classic, an amazingly simplistic yet fun game that had it's own positive effect on the industry. The idea of owning the game on a home console was extremely attractive to many people, so the hotly anticipated Atari 2600 version could have been amazing. So what went wrong? Well to start off, the game is just awful. Gamers expected a come-down in graphics from arcade to Atari 2600, but the game was drab with very few colors, all of them ugly. The flickering of the sprites, terrible gameplay and the fact that it barely resembled Pac-Man hurt the game greatly. To make matters worse, Atari produced way too many cartridges, so many in fact that the amount of Pac Man cartridges outstripped the number of Atari 2600 consoles owned. I guess Atari thought people would be so hard for Pac Man that they'd all rush out and get the console. This is stupid, but it's even worse with the game being bad. Many unsold cartridges wound up crushed up and buried in a landfill, along with the next game on my list...
2. E.T.
The story behind E.T. is a lot like the story behind Pac-Man. The game was hotly anticipated, way too many cartridges were made, the game itself was proved to be awful by almost all accounts (check out my video of it, in place of the usual screen shot.) The game was also crushed up and buried with pac man catridges and Atari systems that either never got sold, or in the case of E.T., were sold and then returned as unplayable. In the end, the game was so bad that Atari couldn't even manage to give away copies of the game, the children and gamers of America wouldn't even accept it as a gift. Along with Pac-Man, E.T. contributed to the great Video Game crash that destroyed the industry. It wasn't until Nintendo came along with their ingenious little box that the video games were shown to be viable again.
3. Custer's Revenge
Speaking of Atari...Back in those days, Atari made all the games. Even games based on arcade games made by other companies, like Namco's Pac-Man, were made by Atari. It was their console after all. Then some Atari employees got pissed off, left and formed their own company, Activision. They released games for the Atari 2600. Atari was like "nuh-uh!" and sued. They failed. The third party developer was born. Here's the bad side. Atari smut. I mean, the fact that there's video game smut doesn't surprise me. You actually kind of expect it, especially that video games are a largely Japanese phenomenon. But this was before there was really any chance of the graphics being titillating enough for pixel pr0n to be viable. Hell, the characters barely resemble what they're supposed to be. To make matters worse, Custer's Revenge was a game about General Armstrong Custer raping the shit out of a Native American woman tied to a cactus, while arrows shoot at him. Is there a single demographic that isn't offended by this? The game was so offensive that retailers who did bother to stock it kept it behind the counter. Meaning you had to ask for it. "Do you have that rape game with the Indians?" The damage the game did is obvious, and porn games for the most part kept out of America. Which really, is sort of a good thing.
4. Sonic The Hedgehog
Sonic The Hedgehog is proof that even great games considered by many (including myself) to be classics can cause lasting and powerful damage to the gaming industry. You may not even be aware of the shit this game caused, but now you will know. And knowledge is power, so you're about to become a little bit more like Mr. T. Anyway, Sonic was a great game that spawned many great sequels. It also eventually spawned some bad ones, but that's not the issue. The issue is that Sonic was created in a very odd way compared to his contemporary, Mario. Mario's entire design in Donkey Kong was created to both show off the graphics and to hide limitations in the graphics. Sonic was created to be "cool". The fact that he did turn out to be cool is kind of beside the point. All of a sudden, there were a hundred and one corporate crated "hip" cartoon gaming mascots with "tuuuuude, duuuuude". Thanks to this blue fucker, games like Awesome Possum and Bubsy exist. The 90's were plagued with these sonic clones and shitty, unimaginative characters. While some turned out decent games (Klonoa) most were just mung-quality. So for that, we have to admit the truth. Sonic was a great game, but it was responsible for a lot of bullshit.
5. Mortal Kombat
Mortal Kombat also was not a bad game, though it was vastly overrated. Made perhaps in direct response to Street Fighter II, Mortal Kombat did things differently. Instead of focusing on gameplay and fun, they just decided to make it violent. Because this is what idiot teenagers in the 90's wanted. I lament the many, many times someone has looked me in the eye and told me that Mortal Kombat was way better than Street Fighter II because "you can kill people in it." Folks, is this what makes a good game? Am I the only one sane left? Mortal Kombat had shoddy controls, ugly digitized graphics and over-the-top gore that really added nothing but shock value to the game. Though some of the games in the series are good, even great, the fact is that Mortal Kombat was the first to do this and it was controversial. This shit was even on the news. We can thank Mortal Kombat for the government threatening to censor the gaming industry (surprised they didn't want to step in for Custer's Revenge), and the creation of the ESRB, our only, feeble defense against this. It also spawned an entire pseudo-genre of games that were nothing more than buckets of blood, and very little substance. Fuck that.
6. Night Trap
Night Trap is fucking retarded. We pretty much know this now, but believe it or not this Sega CD abomination was once really popular. Having C-list actors in it probably contributed to this. Suddenly games didn't look like little pixels, they had real people in them! And you could control the real people! Well, obviously not. But so many were suckered in by Night Trap, and it's success spawned the idiotic FMV craze that infested consoles, arcades and even PC games. With very little actual gameplay, and just some terrible footage of actors embarrassing themselves, these sorts of games glutted the market on the Sega CD, overshadowing games that actually were decent. The Sega CD was killed, and CD technology became tabboo in the industry, at least until Sony came along with their ingenious box.
7. Grand Theft Auto 3
Speaking of the Playstation...Grand Theft Auto 3 is a fucking abomination. No, I'm not saying it's a bad game. I would say it's depressingly mediocre, but that's beside the point. GTA3 gave birth to the Gramer. The Gramer is like the Gamer, only he doesn't like games. He claims to like games, but only ones called GTA, Halo and Madden. Fuck the Gramer in his stupid ass, and fuck this overrated game for creating that horrible abomination. GTA3 was basically a game where you had missions, but instead of playing them you could do whatever you want. Which means most people just sat there getting blowjobs from hookers then running them over with their stolen car. While giggling. The fact is, this is just Mortal Kombat all over again, appealing to the idiot who just wants to see and create carnage. This is their idea of fun, not innovation or well designed and balanced gameplay. There's a game in there somewhere, and some of the later GTA games even were fucking decent. But still, the focus was all on vicariously being a shithead.
8. BMX XXX
This one is so retarded I don't want to talk about it that much. Video game smut returns to prominence, this time masquerading as an extreme sports title. Originally this was going to be Dave Mirra's Frestyle BMX 3, until he saw the product and said fuck if you're putting my name on that shit. Aside from the "thrill" of riding around on a bicycle as a topless chick, the game had a "storyline" that was a cross between Jackass and the kind of retarded jokes only 12 year old boys think are funny. You gotta wonder if they wouldn't rethink the "M for Mature" rating on games, as this game is anything but Mature. Thankfully, it's damage was not great, as the game bombed horribly. But the attention it got in mainstream media certainly didn't help us.
9. Halo: Combat Evolved
Okay, it's not secret that I can't stand this game. You can spare me the comments. I know you love it, and I know you don't understand why I don't, even after I explain it to you. This lack of understanding and being a fan of Halo can be somewhat linked, though I'm no scientist. The fact is, Halo is fucking boring. Yes, we all know you love to gather around with your friends and play the shit out of the multiplayer. But if the campaign sucks and has level design equivalent to walking through the same fucking shit over and over again, then why bother? Halo has almost destroyed the FPS genre, and it's not because it's mediocre. It's not even because it's a gramer game, and that does play a part. It's the whole concept of lazy design and gameplay that offers no challenge whatsoever. Thanks to this game, everyone and their mother expects their life to magically refill in a game just because they ducked behind something. Maybe it might have at least had a thematic place in this game, but with games like Call of Duty 2 and Quantum of Solace doing it, you gotta wonder what's in that crack they're smoking. Other than crack that is.
10. Wii Sports
Finally, we have the top selling video game of all time. The ridiculously wide spread Wii Sports is actually a pretty damn fun game. The problem? Well of course there's the many imitators. It created a genre of full priced games that were nothing more than collections of mini games, usually with one or two fun ones in there, but mostly shitty ones. It also is the reason that many, MANY people fail to recognize the Wii as a legitimate gaming machine. Many people will say "That's the thing you play bowling on". The whole Nintendo collection is lost. Hell, my sister's boyfriend even said this, as he was surprised to see me playing Wario Land Shake It, he didn't know there were actual GAMES for the Wii. He thought it was all Wii Sports. Fail. That being said, I want to be fair. It sold a lot of Wii's, and it is a great machine. And it's getting non-gamers into our hobby, which (sorry elitists) is a good thing. That doesn't mean I can forgive it for "Carnival Games"
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