First off we have some stupid anime shit, as usual.
The fairly good Game Boy version of Terminator 2
And the latest in Streets of Final Fight, Streets of Rage on Game Gear
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
10 Video Game Moments That Make You Say W-H-A-T
Sometimes there's nothing to say other than a good hearty WHAT. And here are the Video Game moments that have done this.
1. THE TRUCK HAVE STARTED TO MOVE!
Game: Metal Gear
System: NES
There are translation fuckups and then there are translation fuckups. Guess which one this is? In Metal Gear, Solid Dick here can go into trucks that suddenly become huge when you're inside them and occasionally he'll exclaim "UH - OH! THE TRUCK HAVE STARTED TO MOVE!" when you get out of the truck, you're somewhere else. Now, grammatical fuckups aside, You figure after the 10th time, he'd stop shouting about it. And why's he shouting, does he want to be found? Then we have "UH - OH!" considering you can't really get anywhere in the game without getting in the trucks and having them move you, the game shouldn't alarm the player in that way.
2. I FEEL ASLEEP!!
Game: Metal Gear
System: NES
Yeah, I could actually fill up this list with Metal Gear. The guard at the beginning says this. Now obviously he's trying to say "I fell asleep!" because he says it AFTER waking up. But so many people have assumed that he's trying to say he's tired that they'll walk by him stupidly and then get killed. If you get killed by a grammatical error in a game, then the game fucking sucks.
3. SORRY, I'M DEAD.
Game: Monster Party
System: NES
Oh well okay. I'll just fucking come back when you're not dead, how's that? Aside from the fact that you got a dead creature talking to you, it's also apologizing. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be funny or what, but it's just another reason that Monster Party is fucking weird.
4. Pretty much anything anybody says in Ultima Exodus
Game: Ultima Exodus
System: NES
These are just a few of the examples of the strange, nonsensical and random things people shout at you in Ultima Exodus. Most of them make you just want to say WHO CARES? The best one (which I couldn't get a shot of) is a girl who tells you that her name is Jane and that she's on a diet. I mean...what?
5. Anything to do with Crassius Curio
Game: The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
System: PC, X-Box
If you plan on beating Morrowind, you'll have to talk to "Uncle Crassius" at least once, but if you want the full effect, try joining House Hlaalu. Crassius, who might greet you with his booming manly voice as you walk past him, is actually fiending for cock. Your cock. Well actually he's just fiending for any sort of Genitals, as he's just as much of a pervert towards a female character. Some people think Crassius was only supposed to react to female characters (making him the lecherous male counterpart of Ahnassi) and that his behavior towards cock wielding orcs and dark elves is a bug or oversight. Either way it's hilarious. If you think his dialogue is suggestive when you first talk to him, wait until he asks you to strip for him. Or read his play "The Lusty Argonian Maid"
6. You little hoochees!
Game: Lufia II: Rise of the Sinestrals
System: Super NES
I guess Daos is upset he got beat so easily (he was after all on my list of most disappointing bosses...) But that's just fucking uncalled for. I'd love to know what he said in the original Japanese.
7. Mastrubation reference #203
Game: Breath of Fire II: The Destined Child
System: Super NES, Game Boy Advance
How the hell did this get into the game? Was the programmer's name Hikaru Beavis?
8. A Vagina
Game: Mega Man Legends
System: Playstation, Nitendo 64
If you have to ask, you'll never know.
9. Alucard literally says WHAT
Game: CastleVania: Symphony of the Night
System: Playstation, Playstation Portable
Couldn't get an actual screen shot, but it doesn't matter. Turn Alucard into one of his forms (mist, bat, wolf, it doesn't matter really.) and go into a place too small for him to get into. Then turn back. He's smooshed into the space and goes WHAT!!! It's fucking great.
10. Rambo's bizarre easter egg
Game: Rambo
System: NES
You know, for a fairly realistic and faithful adaptation of Rambo II (for the NES anyway) this is just out of place. After winning you can go and walk around and talk to people, and your gun shoots some sort of Japanese writing for whatever reason. And hell, if you shoot Murdock with this deadly Kanji (it will not be necessary to correct me if it's not really Kanji, I couldn't give less of a shit), he turns into a frog. I mean....
1. THE TRUCK HAVE STARTED TO MOVE!
Game: Metal Gear
System: NES
There are translation fuckups and then there are translation fuckups. Guess which one this is? In Metal Gear, Solid Dick here can go into trucks that suddenly become huge when you're inside them and occasionally he'll exclaim "UH - OH! THE TRUCK HAVE STARTED TO MOVE!" when you get out of the truck, you're somewhere else. Now, grammatical fuckups aside, You figure after the 10th time, he'd stop shouting about it. And why's he shouting, does he want to be found? Then we have "UH - OH!" considering you can't really get anywhere in the game without getting in the trucks and having them move you, the game shouldn't alarm the player in that way.
2. I FEEL ASLEEP!!
Game: Metal Gear
System: NES
Yeah, I could actually fill up this list with Metal Gear. The guard at the beginning says this. Now obviously he's trying to say "I fell asleep!" because he says it AFTER waking up. But so many people have assumed that he's trying to say he's tired that they'll walk by him stupidly and then get killed. If you get killed by a grammatical error in a game, then the game fucking sucks.
3. SORRY, I'M DEAD.
Game: Monster Party
System: NES
Oh well okay. I'll just fucking come back when you're not dead, how's that? Aside from the fact that you got a dead creature talking to you, it's also apologizing. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be funny or what, but it's just another reason that Monster Party is fucking weird.
4. Pretty much anything anybody says in Ultima Exodus
Game: Ultima Exodus
System: NES
These are just a few of the examples of the strange, nonsensical and random things people shout at you in Ultima Exodus. Most of them make you just want to say WHO CARES? The best one (which I couldn't get a shot of) is a girl who tells you that her name is Jane and that she's on a diet. I mean...what?
5. Anything to do with Crassius Curio
Game: The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
System: PC, X-Box
If you plan on beating Morrowind, you'll have to talk to "Uncle Crassius" at least once, but if you want the full effect, try joining House Hlaalu. Crassius, who might greet you with his booming manly voice as you walk past him, is actually fiending for cock. Your cock. Well actually he's just fiending for any sort of Genitals, as he's just as much of a pervert towards a female character. Some people think Crassius was only supposed to react to female characters (making him the lecherous male counterpart of Ahnassi) and that his behavior towards cock wielding orcs and dark elves is a bug or oversight. Either way it's hilarious. If you think his dialogue is suggestive when you first talk to him, wait until he asks you to strip for him. Or read his play "The Lusty Argonian Maid"
6. You little hoochees!
Game: Lufia II: Rise of the Sinestrals
System: Super NES
I guess Daos is upset he got beat so easily (he was after all on my list of most disappointing bosses...) But that's just fucking uncalled for. I'd love to know what he said in the original Japanese.
7. Mastrubation reference #203
Game: Breath of Fire II: The Destined Child
System: Super NES, Game Boy Advance
How the hell did this get into the game? Was the programmer's name Hikaru Beavis?
8. A Vagina
Game: Mega Man Legends
System: Playstation, Nitendo 64
If you have to ask, you'll never know.
9. Alucard literally says WHAT
Game: CastleVania: Symphony of the Night
System: Playstation, Playstation Portable
Couldn't get an actual screen shot, but it doesn't matter. Turn Alucard into one of his forms (mist, bat, wolf, it doesn't matter really.) and go into a place too small for him to get into. Then turn back. He's smooshed into the space and goes WHAT!!! It's fucking great.
10. Rambo's bizarre easter egg
Game: Rambo
System: NES
You know, for a fairly realistic and faithful adaptation of Rambo II (for the NES anyway) this is just out of place. After winning you can go and walk around and talk to people, and your gun shoots some sort of Japanese writing for whatever reason. And hell, if you shoot Murdock with this deadly Kanji (it will not be necessary to correct me if it's not really Kanji, I couldn't give less of a shit), he turns into a frog. I mean....
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Video update
Here's a much needed video update folks!
First we have an all-right shooting game called Macross Scrambled Valkyrie (not really but yeah.)
Because someone out there hates me, here's WWF War Zone
The new "Streets of Final Fight" series starts off with the original Genesis classic.
Then we have a really weird game called Trojan on the NES
Iron Tank is by SNK, but relax, it's not that great. Kind of a worse off version of Jackal.
Then, of course, Streets of Rage 2
Someone asked me to do Supermarioland 2. Who am I to argue?
At first I thought the Genesis Superman might be that elusive decent Superman game. But alas, it also sucks balls.
And, of course, Streets of Rage 3
These next two videos, Power Blade 2 and Contra III were recorded a while ago but I had to get the audio from Julee so they're just appearing now.
Then we have a surprisingly decent Power Rangers game for Game Boy Color
Streets of Final Fight moves on to the Master System with it's surprisingly great 8-bit rendition of the original
Paperboy, another classic, which I tend to fuck around in more than actually play.
Then we have today's videos. First up is a Jurassic Park game that actually doesn't suck cock.
And a Flinstones game that does
And lastly, while the 8-bit Master System version of Streets of Rage was great, it's sequel....sucks.
First we have an all-right shooting game called Macross Scrambled Valkyrie (not really but yeah.)
Because someone out there hates me, here's WWF War Zone
The new "Streets of Final Fight" series starts off with the original Genesis classic.
Then we have a really weird game called Trojan on the NES
Iron Tank is by SNK, but relax, it's not that great. Kind of a worse off version of Jackal.
Then, of course, Streets of Rage 2
Someone asked me to do Supermarioland 2. Who am I to argue?
At first I thought the Genesis Superman might be that elusive decent Superman game. But alas, it also sucks balls.
And, of course, Streets of Rage 3
These next two videos, Power Blade 2 and Contra III were recorded a while ago but I had to get the audio from Julee so they're just appearing now.
Then we have a surprisingly decent Power Rangers game for Game Boy Color
Streets of Final Fight moves on to the Master System with it's surprisingly great 8-bit rendition of the original
Paperboy, another classic, which I tend to fuck around in more than actually play.
Then we have today's videos. First up is a Jurassic Park game that actually doesn't suck cock.
And a Flinstones game that does
And lastly, while the 8-bit Master System version of Streets of Rage was great, it's sequel....sucks.
Monday, August 10, 2009
10 Last Bosses Who Were Goddamn Disappointments
Occasionally a game has a last boss that has you going "What? That's it?"
Actually it happens quite a lot, but if the game is pretty damn good, that makes it somewhat worse. So I've only used last bosses from games that I find to be otherwise excellent.
1. Daos
Game: Lufia II: Rise of the Sinestrals
System: Super NES
If you can get to Daos, you can beat him. There really is no question whatsoever. Sure you gotta fight Gades, Amon and Erim/Lufia first but this guy is just a wuss. He doesn't really have anything special to hit you with and with well placed IP attacks he'll be dead before you could get your box of tissues ready for the ending.
2. Bowser
Game: Super Mario 64
System: Nintendo 64
Bowser is the only character to be on both my most epic list and my most disappointing list. Super Mario 64 didn't really have anything in the way of boss battles, which is kind of pathetic when you really stop and look at it. The first two times you fight him, he's a one-hit-wonder. For the big final showdown you gotta hit him three times. Fucking pathetic.
3. Dracula Wraith
Game: CastleVania II: Simon's Quest
System: NES
Simon's Quest also wasn't really much for bosses and the Dracula Wraith really is pathetic. You can whip him over and over, you can use the sacred flame or if you really want to embarrass this asshole, use the golden knife to kill him before he can even move. Dracula Wraith showed up again (with a similar concept behind it) to dog Simon's grandson Juste, but at least that time it sort of put up a fight.
4. Dagoth Ur
Game: The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
System: PC, X-Box
Obviously there's so much to Morrowind that doesn't involve the battle with Dagoth Ur, but I do have to point out how easy he is. In the second phase you don't even have to pay attention to him, just skip on down to the heart and hit it with Keening and Sunder to end the game. There were plenty of absolutely epic battles in Morrowind, too bad Dagoth Ur wasn't one of them.
5. The Icon of Sin
Game: Doom II, Final Doom
System: PC, Playstation, Game Boy Advance
The Icon of Sin is an interesting idea. The part you need to attack is inside of it (John Romero's head on a stick) and you can't access it normally. You shoot rockets into a hole and the splash damage hits the head, after a few rockets it dies. Honestly once you figure this out, you can kill it in seconds every time. Maybe this seemed pretty cool when Doom II was fresh but the fact that it was used again in both Final Doom episodes bothers me.
6. The Cyberdemon
Game: Doom 3
System: PC, X-Box
The Doom 3 version of the Cyberdemon seems really awesome and intimidating until you actually fight it. You can't hurt it, only the soul cube hurts it, so you spend the battle staying the fuck away from it, where he can't even hit you as long as you're moving, and kill enough minor enemies to charge the soul cube, then send the cube at him, (you barely even need to aim) and he dies after a few shots. Sure he can kill you by walking over you, but for what reason would you ever go near him?
7. Sigma
Game: Mega Man X6
System: Playstation
Sigma appears at the end of each Mega Man X game and is the end boss in every one except X8. He really shouldn't have bothered showing up for X6, because it's on the back of a great battle with Gate, and then Sigma shows up all fucked up, he can barely talk, and is clearly not at full power. He goes down easier than a Saigon whore and then you get the ending. The game is great, but the Sigma battle is just a joke.
8. Alec Trevalyan
Game: GoldenEye 007
System: Nintendo 64
Urgh. A great game slightly marred by the lack of any real bosses to speak of. Alec is in the last stage where you gotta shut off a machine and then chase him around the level shooting him in the back. He doesn't even fight back for the most part. When you've done enough damage he goes down to the bottom of the cradle and just stands there waiting for you to shoot him. He usually at least dies in a dramatic fashion, falling off the cradle, but sometimes he just drops like any other enemy in the game. You don't even get to see the satellite fall on him like in the movie.
9. Andross
Game: Star Fox Adventures
System: GameCube
Talk about taked on. The battle with General Scales ends early so they could shoehorn Andross into the game. So back in the arwing for the same old shit, just avoid his shots, wait for Falco to give you a bomb and hit him. Rinse, wash, repeat, vomit.
10. Shub-Niggurath
Game: Quake
System: PC, Nintendo 64, Playstation
You Telefrag it.
Actually it happens quite a lot, but if the game is pretty damn good, that makes it somewhat worse. So I've only used last bosses from games that I find to be otherwise excellent.
1. Daos
Game: Lufia II: Rise of the Sinestrals
System: Super NES
If you can get to Daos, you can beat him. There really is no question whatsoever. Sure you gotta fight Gades, Amon and Erim/Lufia first but this guy is just a wuss. He doesn't really have anything special to hit you with and with well placed IP attacks he'll be dead before you could get your box of tissues ready for the ending.
2. Bowser
Game: Super Mario 64
System: Nintendo 64
Bowser is the only character to be on both my most epic list and my most disappointing list. Super Mario 64 didn't really have anything in the way of boss battles, which is kind of pathetic when you really stop and look at it. The first two times you fight him, he's a one-hit-wonder. For the big final showdown you gotta hit him three times. Fucking pathetic.
3. Dracula Wraith
Game: CastleVania II: Simon's Quest
System: NES
Simon's Quest also wasn't really much for bosses and the Dracula Wraith really is pathetic. You can whip him over and over, you can use the sacred flame or if you really want to embarrass this asshole, use the golden knife to kill him before he can even move. Dracula Wraith showed up again (with a similar concept behind it) to dog Simon's grandson Juste, but at least that time it sort of put up a fight.
4. Dagoth Ur
Game: The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
System: PC, X-Box
Obviously there's so much to Morrowind that doesn't involve the battle with Dagoth Ur, but I do have to point out how easy he is. In the second phase you don't even have to pay attention to him, just skip on down to the heart and hit it with Keening and Sunder to end the game. There were plenty of absolutely epic battles in Morrowind, too bad Dagoth Ur wasn't one of them.
5. The Icon of Sin
Game: Doom II, Final Doom
System: PC, Playstation, Game Boy Advance
The Icon of Sin is an interesting idea. The part you need to attack is inside of it (John Romero's head on a stick) and you can't access it normally. You shoot rockets into a hole and the splash damage hits the head, after a few rockets it dies. Honestly once you figure this out, you can kill it in seconds every time. Maybe this seemed pretty cool when Doom II was fresh but the fact that it was used again in both Final Doom episodes bothers me.
6. The Cyberdemon
Game: Doom 3
System: PC, X-Box
The Doom 3 version of the Cyberdemon seems really awesome and intimidating until you actually fight it. You can't hurt it, only the soul cube hurts it, so you spend the battle staying the fuck away from it, where he can't even hit you as long as you're moving, and kill enough minor enemies to charge the soul cube, then send the cube at him, (you barely even need to aim) and he dies after a few shots. Sure he can kill you by walking over you, but for what reason would you ever go near him?
7. Sigma
Game: Mega Man X6
System: Playstation
Sigma appears at the end of each Mega Man X game and is the end boss in every one except X8. He really shouldn't have bothered showing up for X6, because it's on the back of a great battle with Gate, and then Sigma shows up all fucked up, he can barely talk, and is clearly not at full power. He goes down easier than a Saigon whore and then you get the ending. The game is great, but the Sigma battle is just a joke.
8. Alec Trevalyan
Game: GoldenEye 007
System: Nintendo 64
Urgh. A great game slightly marred by the lack of any real bosses to speak of. Alec is in the last stage where you gotta shut off a machine and then chase him around the level shooting him in the back. He doesn't even fight back for the most part. When you've done enough damage he goes down to the bottom of the cradle and just stands there waiting for you to shoot him. He usually at least dies in a dramatic fashion, falling off the cradle, but sometimes he just drops like any other enemy in the game. You don't even get to see the satellite fall on him like in the movie.
9. Andross
Game: Star Fox Adventures
System: GameCube
Talk about taked on. The battle with General Scales ends early so they could shoehorn Andross into the game. So back in the arwing for the same old shit, just avoid his shots, wait for Falco to give you a bomb and hit him. Rinse, wash, repeat, vomit.
10. Shub-Niggurath
Game: Quake
System: PC, Nintendo 64, Playstation
You Telefrag it.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
10 Last Boss battles that are fuckking epic as fuck.
Last bosses are supposed to be epic, but the fact is they aren't always. Sometimes they're downright anti-climactic. Usually they're just challenging. But every now and then is a last boss that is absolutely epic. To make this list, they don't have to be hard, but you'll definitely have a sense of accomplishment having beat these fuckers.
1. Baby Bowser
Game: Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
System: Super NES
When it comes to the Mario games, Bowser tends to be a bit of a let down, usually he's a wuss and beating him can be exciting, but usually it's over too fast and too easily. Not so in Yoshi's Island. Baby Mario and Yoshi arrive and the little bastard wakes up and flattens Kamek, then the battle begins. It's pretty easy, but for the second phase is when some serious shit starts going down. Kamek returns and uses his growth spell on Bowser, who becomes much, much larger than you. Larger than his castle even. Throughout the entire battle, Bowser is in the background and Yoshi has to throw giant eggs into the background, if he reaches you, you die. He also spits fireballs and makes the platforms you're on smaller. It's a tough battle and it's a great concept.
2. Mother Brain
Game: Metroid III: Super Metroid
System: Super NES
This one really has it's full effect if you have played the first two games, but even without that, it's still absolutely great. The battle begins the same exact ways it did in the original Metroid, with Mother Brain being simply a...brain. In a glass jar. You break the jar and pump missles into it until it's dead. Then...it comes back. The mother brain rears up and starts attacking you. The best part however is the fact that Samus can't win. And just when you're about to be blasted into oblivion the baby Metroid from Metroid II (who had attacked and spared you earlier) appears and attacks the Mother Brain. It loses, but it gives you enough power to annihilate this beast. It's a bit easy when you get down to it, but anybody who played the game knows this was and remains to be one of the most memorable end bosses in Nintendo history.
3. Lavos
Game: Chrono Trigger
System: Super NES, Playstation, DS
There's very little in Chrono Trigger that isn't awesome, and Lavos is no exception. You initially face off against him in 12,000 BC, where he pretty much destoys you (you actually CAN beat him there, and you'll get a special ending for it, but that's kinda beside the point.) The most amazing part is he actually kills the main character, Chrono. At any point after this you can challenge Lavos for the last boss, but you'd be missing out on most of the game if you did, and you probably couldn't beat him. After a load of side quests, one of which offers you the opportunity to bring Chrono back and another offers you the chance to have your mortal enemy Magus join you, you're ready for round 2. Lavos does the cliche "mimick all the other bosses thing" but once you get inside his shell is when the real battle begins. The second and third form are absolutely amazing, and the third form, Lavos Core is probably my favorite last boss ever. With absolutely devastating attacks, the end of a great storyline and a kick ass musical theme, Lavos Core is the most fun part of an already great game.
4. Rhapthorne
Game: Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
System: Playstation 2
Just look at that motherfucker. You know this is going to be some great shit. You fight his earlier form, then have to run out of the castle. Then you fight the castle. For the final stage, the godbird Emprea comes back one last time for an assist. The entire end battle has your party ridding on Emprea's back as she basically orbits Rhapthorne. This is because he's the size of of an asteroid. Getting rid of his shield alone (using the souls of the people he's killed) can be amazingly punishing, and the battle itself is epic. He'll throw meteors at you, bat you out of the sky and of course use magic. Beating him is no small task, and you get one of the best endings in a video game ever as a reward.
5. The Emperor Ing
Game: Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
System: GameCube
Okay yes, technically you battle Dark Samus one more time after beating the Emperor. But beating her is part of the classic escape sequence and she can't hold a candle to Emperor Ing, the true end boss of MP2. This beast has around seven forms to go through, and usually there's more than one way to deal with things. Do you concerve your ammo and take the long road? Do you pack all your ammo into the annihilator beam and end it quicker? Or do you take a chance at one of the one-hit kills you can perform on a few of his forms (like one where if you're very lucky, you can screw attack right into his mouth.) No matter how you handle it however, Samus will have to use most of her abilities and it's going to be a long one.
6. Psaro the Manslayer
Game: Dragon Quest IV: Chapters of the Chosen
System: NES, Playstation, DS
No matter which version of Dragon Quest IV you're playing, this is a great battle. With this game, Enix invented the concept of the sympathetic villain in an RPG and Psaro was perhaps the best example of this. Psaro started off as a monster with human emotions who was in love with an elf named Rosa. Rosa had the unusual power to cry rubies, which caused many humans to try and capture and torture her. Psaro kept her safe in a tower, but eventually some people got ahold of her and killed her in a misguided attempt to get her tears. Psaro turned against humanity and uses "The secret of evolution" to transform himself into Psaro the Manslayer, who is your final battle. While it's true that the Playstation and DS versions added a sixth chapter, where you found out that one of Psaro's underlings betrayed him and sent people after Rosa, letting you resurrect her and bring Psaro to his senses, the battle with that guy is essentially a slightly tougher version of this one. Personally I love the original version and it's tragic ending (though the DS version is one of the best remakes I've ever played.) No matter which one you play though, you're in for a rough ride, as you'll need to use all 10 of your characters to beat this guy.
7. Tabuu
Game: Super Smash Bros. Brawl
System: Wii
Tabuu has no backstory and shows up near the end of Super Smash Bros. Brawl as the guy controlling all the villians, including Master Hand, Ganondorf, Wario and Bowser. The first time you meet him, he literally shows up out of nowhere and blasts all the characters at once, including his own underlings, turning everyone into trophies. King DeDeDe however knew all about this and had special badges that would turn him and Luigi back and along with Kirby and the rest of the cast as they get rescued, you eventually get to this guy. Sonic the Hedgehog even shows up at the end to break the guy's wings so he can't do that Trophy beam again. So the actual battle? It's great. You'll get six characters and unless you're already a pro and know the way to beat him easily (Charizard, Rock Breaker...) it's gonna be hard. I've fought him a bunch of times and every time he does an attack I've never seen before. Of course the worst of it is his circular beams, which will pretty much own you in one shot unless you roll at exactly the right time. Tabuu may be an archyptical winged blue guy with no backstory who shows up out of nowhere, but damn if the battle against him isn't great.
8. Gill
Game: 3rd Strike Street Fighter III: Fight for the Future
System: Arcade, Dreamcast, Playstation 2, X-Box
Gill is a bastard, but he's a damn great last boss. He can be hard bordering on unfair, but you keep pressing continue because you really feel like you did something after beating him. Gill is a big scary naked dude who's half fire and half ice, and he can pretty much slap you around any time he wants. In the original Street Fighter III he had the oh-so-fuck-you ability to fully resurrect himself if you beat him when his super art meter was full. In Giant Attack he could also call forth a meteor shower because that's totally called for when fighting some Karate guys. In 3rd Strike he gets the ability "Sepharic Wing" an unblockable attack that you can't parry and fills up the whole screen. Even with all this, Gill is beatable, but only barely so.
9. Ganondorf
Game: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
System: GameCube
Of all the Zelda last bosses, Ganon in The Wind Waker is the most epic, and probably the best. For once you fight the beast form once, get that out of the way, but the end is a great sword fight between Ganon and Link (so great they repeated the same basic premise for Twilight Princess). Hyrule Castle is basically in a big bubble underwater and then it pops. You're battling Ganon on the roof as an ocean cascades down around you, after just having your mind blown that your talking boat is the king of Hyrule. The setting, the battle itself, the fact that you team up with Zelda and the way it ends with Link's ultimate finishing move, a sword right through Ganon's head, the entire thing is just fucking epic.
Free Bird
Game: Guitar Hero II
System: Playstation 2
Free Bird on Hard or Expert is one of the most exhausting, epic and fun "last bosses" you'll find in any Guitar Hero or Rock Band game. It's pretty much the ultimate rock anthem, so much so that people love to shout the song's name out at concerts, and not necessarily Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts. It's long length, insane solos and the Stonehenge setting make this the best way to end a GH game.
1. Baby Bowser
Game: Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
System: Super NES
When it comes to the Mario games, Bowser tends to be a bit of a let down, usually he's a wuss and beating him can be exciting, but usually it's over too fast and too easily. Not so in Yoshi's Island. Baby Mario and Yoshi arrive and the little bastard wakes up and flattens Kamek, then the battle begins. It's pretty easy, but for the second phase is when some serious shit starts going down. Kamek returns and uses his growth spell on Bowser, who becomes much, much larger than you. Larger than his castle even. Throughout the entire battle, Bowser is in the background and Yoshi has to throw giant eggs into the background, if he reaches you, you die. He also spits fireballs and makes the platforms you're on smaller. It's a tough battle and it's a great concept.
2. Mother Brain
Game: Metroid III: Super Metroid
System: Super NES
This one really has it's full effect if you have played the first two games, but even without that, it's still absolutely great. The battle begins the same exact ways it did in the original Metroid, with Mother Brain being simply a...brain. In a glass jar. You break the jar and pump missles into it until it's dead. Then...it comes back. The mother brain rears up and starts attacking you. The best part however is the fact that Samus can't win. And just when you're about to be blasted into oblivion the baby Metroid from Metroid II (who had attacked and spared you earlier) appears and attacks the Mother Brain. It loses, but it gives you enough power to annihilate this beast. It's a bit easy when you get down to it, but anybody who played the game knows this was and remains to be one of the most memorable end bosses in Nintendo history.
3. Lavos
Game: Chrono Trigger
System: Super NES, Playstation, DS
There's very little in Chrono Trigger that isn't awesome, and Lavos is no exception. You initially face off against him in 12,000 BC, where he pretty much destoys you (you actually CAN beat him there, and you'll get a special ending for it, but that's kinda beside the point.) The most amazing part is he actually kills the main character, Chrono. At any point after this you can challenge Lavos for the last boss, but you'd be missing out on most of the game if you did, and you probably couldn't beat him. After a load of side quests, one of which offers you the opportunity to bring Chrono back and another offers you the chance to have your mortal enemy Magus join you, you're ready for round 2. Lavos does the cliche "mimick all the other bosses thing" but once you get inside his shell is when the real battle begins. The second and third form are absolutely amazing, and the third form, Lavos Core is probably my favorite last boss ever. With absolutely devastating attacks, the end of a great storyline and a kick ass musical theme, Lavos Core is the most fun part of an already great game.
4. Rhapthorne
Game: Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
System: Playstation 2
Just look at that motherfucker. You know this is going to be some great shit. You fight his earlier form, then have to run out of the castle. Then you fight the castle. For the final stage, the godbird Emprea comes back one last time for an assist. The entire end battle has your party ridding on Emprea's back as she basically orbits Rhapthorne. This is because he's the size of of an asteroid. Getting rid of his shield alone (using the souls of the people he's killed) can be amazingly punishing, and the battle itself is epic. He'll throw meteors at you, bat you out of the sky and of course use magic. Beating him is no small task, and you get one of the best endings in a video game ever as a reward.
5. The Emperor Ing
Game: Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
System: GameCube
Okay yes, technically you battle Dark Samus one more time after beating the Emperor. But beating her is part of the classic escape sequence and she can't hold a candle to Emperor Ing, the true end boss of MP2. This beast has around seven forms to go through, and usually there's more than one way to deal with things. Do you concerve your ammo and take the long road? Do you pack all your ammo into the annihilator beam and end it quicker? Or do you take a chance at one of the one-hit kills you can perform on a few of his forms (like one where if you're very lucky, you can screw attack right into his mouth.) No matter how you handle it however, Samus will have to use most of her abilities and it's going to be a long one.
6. Psaro the Manslayer
Game: Dragon Quest IV: Chapters of the Chosen
System: NES, Playstation, DS
No matter which version of Dragon Quest IV you're playing, this is a great battle. With this game, Enix invented the concept of the sympathetic villain in an RPG and Psaro was perhaps the best example of this. Psaro started off as a monster with human emotions who was in love with an elf named Rosa. Rosa had the unusual power to cry rubies, which caused many humans to try and capture and torture her. Psaro kept her safe in a tower, but eventually some people got ahold of her and killed her in a misguided attempt to get her tears. Psaro turned against humanity and uses "The secret of evolution" to transform himself into Psaro the Manslayer, who is your final battle. While it's true that the Playstation and DS versions added a sixth chapter, where you found out that one of Psaro's underlings betrayed him and sent people after Rosa, letting you resurrect her and bring Psaro to his senses, the battle with that guy is essentially a slightly tougher version of this one. Personally I love the original version and it's tragic ending (though the DS version is one of the best remakes I've ever played.) No matter which one you play though, you're in for a rough ride, as you'll need to use all 10 of your characters to beat this guy.
7. Tabuu
Game: Super Smash Bros. Brawl
System: Wii
Tabuu has no backstory and shows up near the end of Super Smash Bros. Brawl as the guy controlling all the villians, including Master Hand, Ganondorf, Wario and Bowser. The first time you meet him, he literally shows up out of nowhere and blasts all the characters at once, including his own underlings, turning everyone into trophies. King DeDeDe however knew all about this and had special badges that would turn him and Luigi back and along with Kirby and the rest of the cast as they get rescued, you eventually get to this guy. Sonic the Hedgehog even shows up at the end to break the guy's wings so he can't do that Trophy beam again. So the actual battle? It's great. You'll get six characters and unless you're already a pro and know the way to beat him easily (Charizard, Rock Breaker...) it's gonna be hard. I've fought him a bunch of times and every time he does an attack I've never seen before. Of course the worst of it is his circular beams, which will pretty much own you in one shot unless you roll at exactly the right time. Tabuu may be an archyptical winged blue guy with no backstory who shows up out of nowhere, but damn if the battle against him isn't great.
8. Gill
Game: 3rd Strike Street Fighter III: Fight for the Future
System: Arcade, Dreamcast, Playstation 2, X-Box
Gill is a bastard, but he's a damn great last boss. He can be hard bordering on unfair, but you keep pressing continue because you really feel like you did something after beating him. Gill is a big scary naked dude who's half fire and half ice, and he can pretty much slap you around any time he wants. In the original Street Fighter III he had the oh-so-fuck-you ability to fully resurrect himself if you beat him when his super art meter was full. In Giant Attack he could also call forth a meteor shower because that's totally called for when fighting some Karate guys. In 3rd Strike he gets the ability "Sepharic Wing" an unblockable attack that you can't parry and fills up the whole screen. Even with all this, Gill is beatable, but only barely so.
9. Ganondorf
Game: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
System: GameCube
Of all the Zelda last bosses, Ganon in The Wind Waker is the most epic, and probably the best. For once you fight the beast form once, get that out of the way, but the end is a great sword fight between Ganon and Link (so great they repeated the same basic premise for Twilight Princess). Hyrule Castle is basically in a big bubble underwater and then it pops. You're battling Ganon on the roof as an ocean cascades down around you, after just having your mind blown that your talking boat is the king of Hyrule. The setting, the battle itself, the fact that you team up with Zelda and the way it ends with Link's ultimate finishing move, a sword right through Ganon's head, the entire thing is just fucking epic.
Free Bird
Game: Guitar Hero II
System: Playstation 2
Free Bird on Hard or Expert is one of the most exhausting, epic and fun "last bosses" you'll find in any Guitar Hero or Rock Band game. It's pretty much the ultimate rock anthem, so much so that people love to shout the song's name out at concerts, and not necessarily Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts. It's long length, insane solos and the Stonehenge setting make this the best way to end a GH game.
Monday, August 3, 2009
10 Nintendo 64 Games You Probably Haven't Played (But Should)
The Nintendo 64 practically defines the word "underrated classic" as it is both of those words in every sense of the world. While most people had switched from Nintendo at this point over to Sony and their Playstation system, the N64 did hold many wonders. Thing is, you've already been beaten over the head with Goldeneye, Mario and Zelda. Here's 10 N64 games you probably HAVEN'T played, but definitely should.
1 Beetle Adventure Racing
To put it simply, it's a Need for Speed game. For whatever reason, the venerable racing series never made it over to the N64, even though if there was one genre the system had more than enough of, it was racing games. Made by the same people and with the same basic engine, BAR got great reviews but the initial buzz faded after people found more franchise games to play. The only cars in the game are all Volkswagon Beetles (though there are several variations) and the tracks are all outlandish and fantastical. The game is also memorable for it's great soundtrack, something you can't say of many N64 games.
2. The New Tetris
Speaking of soundtracks, here's another great one. The New Tetris had some amazing tunes, which is a departure from the usual public-domain mining that Tetris games have. Other than that it's just Tetris, though it has some nifty features, many modes and 4 player support. You won't get a gimmicky bio-monitor (a precursor to the ridiculous Wii Vitality Sensor?), but the gameplay is solid and you can enjoy some crazy ethnic music while playing. This is my personal favorite version of Tetris.
3. CastleVania
Yeah, I know you heard it was bad but if you keep listening to everything people said then you probably are too busy playing fucking Halo to be reading this. I covered this in my "Black Sheep Games that Don't Suck" or whatever I called it. I'll reiterate the same points here. The game got good reviews, then suddenly everyone turned on it like ravenous zombies. First impressions are usually the truest though, and it's a decent game, though it got eclipsed by Legacy of Darkness a mere year later. Worth a try though.
4. Doom 64
One of the earliest N64 games and it was ignored by many. The mainstream gaming community ignored it because of poor reviews and Doom fans said it was too dark and scary to be doom, which is so funny that my fucking spleen just exploded out of my ass. Doom 64 is great, and it's easily my favorite Doom game once you get the PC version. The N64 game is no slouch however, and is best played with the lights out.
5. Mortal Kombat 4
This is the only game on my list that isn't a N64 exclusive (Doom's PC version is not official) as it is based on an arcade game and is also on Playstation. The PS1 version is okay, though the N64 version is a lot better. This is also another one I mentioned in my Black Sheep article (which you should really read if you haven't.) MK4 was a lot better than the first 3 games, as it started to cast off the depressingly generic gameplay model that they'd used. Some of the features from 3 are there, though it doesn't suck ass like 3 does. Usually I lament a series going from 2D to 3D but MK did it well, and the digitized bullshit was getting old anyway.
6. Xena Warrior Princess: The Talisman of Fate
This simple fighter, which has a lot of characters from the show as well as 4 player support is surprisingly good for something you'd think would be an instant trip to the bargain bin. The N64 didn't have a whole lot of great fighting games, and you probably passed over this one without thinking twice. Well back up, because the game is actually quite fun.
7. Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards
Maybe you felt you had outgrown Kirby when this came out, but despite great reviews and positive word of mouth, the game came and went. I recently tried it out and it's wonderful. Yes, it's cute as fuck, something that poor N64 owners were dogged with as the PS1 crowd mocked them for the Nintendo being "kiddie". But then again those are the same idiots who bought Tomb Raider cuz "dude that chick is hot" and then actually thought it was a good game. So that will teach you to listen to people.
8. Yoshi's Story
There's no getting around this one though, the game is definitely for kids. It's easy as hell, you can probably beat it in less than 15 minutes. However there's a lot of charm here, with the game's unique graphics, the challenge of finding every single melon and just the simple joys of playing a well put together game that is simply fun.
9. The World Is Not Enough
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Yes, yes we all know GoldenEye was great and bla bla bla yadda yadda T-shirt.
Well okay, get over it, this game is also quite good. I think there's a PS1 game based on TWINE but I also believe it's unrelated. This game actually did a few things GoldenEye didn't do, such as let Bond both jump and duck, something you kinda take for granted. I'd love to be able to mention the game without some sheep yelling out how GoldenEye is better before I get the words out of my mouth. But just because another game is better doesn't mean there's anything wrong with this one.
10. Bomberman 64: The Second Attack!
What can I say? If you liked Bomberman 64 (and you're an asshole if you don't) Then you need to try this. The reason you didn't is pretty simple, it came out pretty damn close to the end of the system's lifespan.
1 Beetle Adventure Racing
To put it simply, it's a Need for Speed game. For whatever reason, the venerable racing series never made it over to the N64, even though if there was one genre the system had more than enough of, it was racing games. Made by the same people and with the same basic engine, BAR got great reviews but the initial buzz faded after people found more franchise games to play. The only cars in the game are all Volkswagon Beetles (though there are several variations) and the tracks are all outlandish and fantastical. The game is also memorable for it's great soundtrack, something you can't say of many N64 games.
2. The New Tetris
Speaking of soundtracks, here's another great one. The New Tetris had some amazing tunes, which is a departure from the usual public-domain mining that Tetris games have. Other than that it's just Tetris, though it has some nifty features, many modes and 4 player support. You won't get a gimmicky bio-monitor (a precursor to the ridiculous Wii Vitality Sensor?), but the gameplay is solid and you can enjoy some crazy ethnic music while playing. This is my personal favorite version of Tetris.
3. CastleVania
Yeah, I know you heard it was bad but if you keep listening to everything people said then you probably are too busy playing fucking Halo to be reading this. I covered this in my "Black Sheep Games that Don't Suck" or whatever I called it. I'll reiterate the same points here. The game got good reviews, then suddenly everyone turned on it like ravenous zombies. First impressions are usually the truest though, and it's a decent game, though it got eclipsed by Legacy of Darkness a mere year later. Worth a try though.
4. Doom 64
One of the earliest N64 games and it was ignored by many. The mainstream gaming community ignored it because of poor reviews and Doom fans said it was too dark and scary to be doom, which is so funny that my fucking spleen just exploded out of my ass. Doom 64 is great, and it's easily my favorite Doom game once you get the PC version. The N64 game is no slouch however, and is best played with the lights out.
5. Mortal Kombat 4
This is the only game on my list that isn't a N64 exclusive (Doom's PC version is not official) as it is based on an arcade game and is also on Playstation. The PS1 version is okay, though the N64 version is a lot better. This is also another one I mentioned in my Black Sheep article (which you should really read if you haven't.) MK4 was a lot better than the first 3 games, as it started to cast off the depressingly generic gameplay model that they'd used. Some of the features from 3 are there, though it doesn't suck ass like 3 does. Usually I lament a series going from 2D to 3D but MK did it well, and the digitized bullshit was getting old anyway.
6. Xena Warrior Princess: The Talisman of Fate
This simple fighter, which has a lot of characters from the show as well as 4 player support is surprisingly good for something you'd think would be an instant trip to the bargain bin. The N64 didn't have a whole lot of great fighting games, and you probably passed over this one without thinking twice. Well back up, because the game is actually quite fun.
7. Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards
Maybe you felt you had outgrown Kirby when this came out, but despite great reviews and positive word of mouth, the game came and went. I recently tried it out and it's wonderful. Yes, it's cute as fuck, something that poor N64 owners were dogged with as the PS1 crowd mocked them for the Nintendo being "kiddie". But then again those are the same idiots who bought Tomb Raider cuz "dude that chick is hot" and then actually thought it was a good game. So that will teach you to listen to people.
8. Yoshi's Story
There's no getting around this one though, the game is definitely for kids. It's easy as hell, you can probably beat it in less than 15 minutes. However there's a lot of charm here, with the game's unique graphics, the challenge of finding every single melon and just the simple joys of playing a well put together game that is simply fun.
9. The World Is Not Enough
Yes, yes we all know GoldenEye was great and bla bla bla yadda yadda T-shirt.
Well okay, get over it, this game is also quite good. I think there's a PS1 game based on TWINE but I also believe it's unrelated. This game actually did a few things GoldenEye didn't do, such as let Bond both jump and duck, something you kinda take for granted. I'd love to be able to mention the game without some sheep yelling out how GoldenEye is better before I get the words out of my mouth. But just because another game is better doesn't mean there's anything wrong with this one.
10. Bomberman 64: The Second Attack!
What can I say? If you liked Bomberman 64 (and you're an asshole if you don't) Then you need to try this. The reason you didn't is pretty simple, it came out pretty damn close to the end of the system's lifespan.
Video update
Regular blog post later, but first here's the latest videos.
Firstly though, to answer a question I got: a WAD is a level or set of levels in doom, and a PWAD is a player created one. Official ones are called IWADS. hope that was helpful.
Someone provided me with a sort of ROM for Super Mario Bros. 2, so here's a brief video. You can tell it's unofficial as it says "Mario" above the score despite the fact that I'm playing as Luigi.
Megagrey guessed that I used a Phantasy Star song (honestly saw that one coming) so for him here I am sucking ass at Gradius
For a shooter I embarrass myself less on, here's Burai Fighter by request
Song 9 in the contest, which is from Shadow of the Colossus, it was guessed fairly quickly.
Song 10 is the only one not to be guessed so far, and I've only seen one or two really intelligent guesses. Ah well.
Finally got The King of Fighters XII for my X-Box 360, so here's a two part gameplay video.
Only two games in this GameCube collection update, but they're good finds
Finally, here's my two part latest "Look at the Nintendo Consoles" video, the Nintendo 64.
Firstly though, to answer a question I got: a WAD is a level or set of levels in doom, and a PWAD is a player created one. Official ones are called IWADS. hope that was helpful.
Someone provided me with a sort of ROM for Super Mario Bros. 2, so here's a brief video. You can tell it's unofficial as it says "Mario" above the score despite the fact that I'm playing as Luigi.
Megagrey guessed that I used a Phantasy Star song (honestly saw that one coming) so for him here I am sucking ass at Gradius
For a shooter I embarrass myself less on, here's Burai Fighter by request
Song 9 in the contest, which is from Shadow of the Colossus, it was guessed fairly quickly.
Song 10 is the only one not to be guessed so far, and I've only seen one or two really intelligent guesses. Ah well.
Finally got The King of Fighters XII for my X-Box 360, so here's a two part gameplay video.
Only two games in this GameCube collection update, but they're good finds
Finally, here's my two part latest "Look at the Nintendo Consoles" video, the Nintendo 64.
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