Monday, September 21, 2009

10 Ways to Save Sonic

Sonic fucking sucks, but it didn't used to be that way. The classic games, Sonic, Sonic 2, Sonic 3, Sonic and Knuckles, were all great. Now we get shit. Now Sega is once again teasing us with another Sonic game that looks like it might be a return to form. But remember, that's what people thought about 2006's "Sonic the Hedgehog" and then "Sonic Unleashed" until the shittiness was "Unleashed" later on.

So here's 10 steps to take to save him.

1. Don't be afraid of 2D

The new Sonic promises to be 2D but honestly, I've heard that before. What's funny is while Heroes and all that bullshit was stinking up the shelves there were three great sonic games, on Game Boy Advance. They were 2D. Not every single series translates well to 3D, and Sonic is better off in 2D. I'm not saying I'm against the idea of further 3D Sonic games, but they gotta work on their execution, hardcore.

2. Don't force me to play as characters I don't want to play as

Once again, I point to the Sonic Advance games. You can play as Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and Amy and whatever other characters they stuck in the sequels like Cream (heh heh heh), but the game started with a damn characters select screen. If you want to only play as Sonic, you can do that. And all the characters play the same levels, meaning you're not missing out on some great level because you don't want to play as some asshole fishing cat.

3. Less story scenes

The screenshot says it all. The 2D games never had this shit, but as soon as he moves into the 3rd dimension, they feel the need to crowd it up with cutscenes. Sonic Adventure was okay, and it's sequel to a lesser extent, but after that it got nuts. The ridiculous Final Fantasy style Sonic The Hedgehog '06 was the final straw. Interspecies romance? No thanks.

4. Back to the roots, storywise

In the old days, there was a story and it was basic. Sonic was good, Eggman is bad, so go beat him up. It got a bit more than that as more characters were introduced but it was simple fun, good vs evil with no ultimate weapons or eggman's grandpa or whatever bullshit.

5. No Sword/Werewolf/Bestiality bullshit

I find myself saying why a lot. Why does sonic have a sword, why is he a werewolf, why does he have a human girlfriend, why doesn't he push Amy off a cliff. Please, make it so I don't ask these things anymore.

6. We'd rather have a short, great game than a long one padded with bullshit.

Sonic Team has pretty much come out and said they know the newer games such and that they suffer from "low quality". They also told us why. With the amazing 3D graphics we expect, they'd have to do an awful lot of rendering to make scenery that you'll just blur by anyway. So they could spend years making a game that lasts 5 hours. So they pad it with nonsense like werewolf parts and cutscenes. But you know what? It didn't take anywhere near 5 hours to play through Sonic 3. And that game rocked. We'll take the short game any over the one with all the bullcrap.

7. No more racing games.

Put a stop to this immediately, lest we suffer another "Sonic R"

8. Put the Chaos Emeralds and Bonus levels back in the game

This was always fun, finding the bonus levels and trying to get all the emeralds so we couuld become Super Sonic. Now it's just an obligatory part of the game. Yawn.

9. Work with the characters you have instead of introducing new ones.

It seems that with each of these games, they introduce a whole bunch more of these furry bastards and I can't even keep them straight anymore. Silver the Hedgehog? Is he like Silver Sonic? Fuck it. Just use the core characters and let the fringe ones be forgotten.

10. No more of this shit.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Video catchup

Here's a catchup on the latest videos

First, here we have a review of the Green Lantern: First Flight movie

The latest "shoutouts to my subscribers" vid

The last song of round 4, which was from Section Z

The Punisher on Genesis, which is somewhat based on the arcade game

A fun, but tough game called Conquest of the Crystal Palace on the NES

NES Commando, a total classic

The very strange game The Blues Brothers on the SNES

The NES version of Captain America and the Avengers, which is nothing to do with the Arcade game

A shockingly mediocre shooter for the Genesis, Grind Stormer

The crappy "The Immortal" on the NES

Popeye 2, a fairly fun game

Next we have a two-parter, this is the next GameCube collection update, but also a follow up to last week's "Fuck Gamestop" rant

Command and Conquer is surprisingly playable on the N64

And then we go on to the next feature, the CastleVania: Symphony of the Night playthrough. Here are the first three parts

Monday, September 14, 2009

Video update

Well as I can't really do a bunch of videos today due to Youtube maintenance, here's an update on what you've missed.

Here's song 4 in the contest, which was from Top Gear. Kinda sounds like Muse, no?

Here's a spontaneous video I did about my favorite super hero

Bad Dudes, which should be called Mediocre Dudes.

NARC, the most awesome game that actually isn't all that great.

The bizarre SNES version of Wolfenstein 3D

Song 5, where I tried to fool you all with a CastleVania sound. Didn't last too long, it's Actraiser, which got guessed pretty quickly.

Song 6 was very easy, it was Donkey Kong Country

This video demonstrates why Gamestop needs to test the used games they get. I wont' be able to return this until next Saturday. Actually I guess I could go on Friday...

This GameCube collection update also follows up on the previous video.

Next some comic book reviews

Song 7 was a bit tougher, but it got guessed pretty quick. It's Tales of Phantasia

Shantae for Game Boy Color is actually pretty good

This is Shin Chan Adventures in Cinemaland. One of the weirder ones, and one of my funnier videos.

Phantom 2040, which is annoying, but not horrifying as I thought it might be.

And song 8, from an old favorite of mine, Breath of Fire

Finally the one I did get up today before Youtube cut me off, song 9, which is as of this writing, not guessed. Couldn't even get the annotation on.

10 Simple Things A Lot of Games Fuck Up.

Here are some things that no game should fuck up, basic shit. But they do anyway.

1. A button jumps, B button attacks

For those of us who grew up playing Mario, Metroid and Mega Man and the like, this is ridiculous. Why change what we all have come to know and love? Sure, maybe you're one of those few who grew up with Alex Kidd, but here's a good way to fix it so everyone is happy


Biggest offender I've seen is the Mega Man Anniversary Collection, which switched up what we all know and love. I still love the collection but goddamn if that isn't a pain in the ass. And you can't change it.

And it doesn't matter which is A and which is B or if they're called X and Square or whatever, you know what I'm fucking talking about.

2. Let me move around goddamnit

There are two ways this pisses me off.

A) In RPGs and the like, I understand there's a big emphasis on story. But some games have so much story in the beginning that it could literally be over an hour before you're able to even control your character in any meaningful way.

B) In action games, I want to play the damn game. The first thing I do in these sorts of games is try out the controls, get the hang of my character and mess around a little. I hate games where you take two steps forward and boom you're in a cutscene. If you're gonna do that, don't fucking tease me, just have the cutscene first and then let me play the fucking game!

Which brings me to...

3. Let me skip the goddamn cutscenes!

There are a few reasons why I'd want to skip a cutscene. Sure sometimes the story is important, but let's say I've played the damn game before. Or maybe I died once already and I'm replaying a part. Don't make me watch the same fucking long ass cutscene over again. Some games only let you skip cutscenes after you've watched them once, which I can kind of understand, but sometimes, you just don't give a shit (sonic).

4. Invisible walls are lame

To keep it short: Draw a barrier. And don't cock it up by putting up something lame like a chain link fence that your super powered machine gun toting army of one can't get through, or even interact with in any way.

5. Random kills are fucking weak.

You're just walking along and suddenly the ground beneath you cracks, you fall through and die. Does that make sense? It's a beginner's trap that has no place in games. Either give an indication that something is dangerous or don't make it kill you. Once you know to jump over the third brick from the left, you're going to do it every time, so what's the point? Action games should not be about memorization, keep that sort of crap for games like Dragon's Lair.

6. Random dead ends are a fucking waste of time.

What is pictured above is a maze. Mazes are fine. Fun, actually. However the random dead end is a thing that happens in an RPG where you're faced with two choices and one leads to a dead end. You go to the end and come back, probably having to fight one or two enemies along the way. Why do this? If it's not a maze, then at least put something in there like an item or something.

7. Fuck escort missions

There are two exceptions to the "fuck escort missions" thing. One is Ico, which is itself one giant escort mission. The other are games like Resident Evil, which rely on horror for ambience. Otherwise, no one likes this shit. The worst offenders are combat games. I just want to shoot shit, not give cover while some other person does the shit I want to be doing.

8. Punching Superman doesn't hurt him

Please, if you're basing your character on a comic book, book, movie, tv show or whatever, then know their powers and weaknesses. Populating a Superman game with a bunch of random thugs who can whittle away your energy by punching (or in that case, even shooting at you with guns) is stupid.

9. 3D isn't necessarily better than 2D

I'll let the image speak for itself.

10. Roster updates should be down loadable content.

Maybe it's because the Madden crowd is too stupid to realize they just paid 60 dollars for a graphical touch up and a roster update. Personally though, EA would make MORE money if they charged 30 bucks for DLC and save millions on manufacturing boxes, DVDs, game manuals and then shipping it all.

Monday, September 7, 2009


Hey guys, sorry. I did say I would update but it was a very busy week and then a long weekend.

Happy labor day though!

Everything should be fairy back on track by Friday for a post if not by Wednesday, I've been busy downloading a large collection of games as I'm going to be announcing another system I will take requests for pretty soon.

that being said, let's catch up.

I got Guitar Hero 5 (which I'm almost done with, can't put it down!) and here are some videos about that.

Here's an awful piece of crap called Castle of Dragon

Here's a great shootemup, Life Force

Final Fight One for GBA ends the "Streets of Final Fight" feature in style! The next feature will be a playthrough of the PlayStation game CastleVania: Symphony of the Night

Here's the typical rules video for round 4 of the music challenge, which is a lot easier than round 3, which I'm sure is relief for a lot of people. Did this on with my friend Ares

Here's the first song, I got some weird guesses, though it got guessed fairly quickly. It's Condemned: Criminal Origins for XBox 360

Here's my latest GameCube collection video

Here's a shockingly good racer, Road Rash 3 on Genesis

And a shockingly strange Colecovision game, Campaign 84

I don't get why you'd want to watch me play Pokemon Snap, but here it is.

Here's the next song, which I thought would take a while but someone got it almost instantly. It's King of Fighters 94 for Neo Geo

Here's today's videos!

Starting off with the great Genesis port of Strider

And here's me sucking at the original Fatal Fury on Neo Geo

And, ugh, Virtua Fighter (32X version)

Lastly today's song, which got guessed fairly quickly though a bunch of people predictably guessed James Bond games (I am sneaky like that) It's from Street Fighter III

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Sorry no post for a while, found myself tired.

There'll be a normal update tomorrow, in the meantime let's get you guys up to speed on videos.

First is a game I had no idea how to play, Mischeif Makers on the Nintendo 64

Then Tecmo Super NBA Basketball, which I sucked at, but oh well.

Streets of Final Fight continues with the X68000 version of Final Fight, which I didn't think I'd be able to do at first.

One of my favorites, Duke Nukem 64

No idea what I'm doing here in Tower of Doom for Intellivision, but it was an amusing vid.

Mighty Final Fight is the next up for Streets of Final Fight, this one has a chibi style art work and Double Dragon inspired level progression

And who doesn't love F-Zero?

Frog Bog on the Intellivison. Not much to say about it.

Finally a sequel! Final Fight 2

My latest GameCube acquisitions

And my look at the console itself in three parts

A video that got a big response, my thoughts on the 360/ps3 price war going on.

And some comic book reviews

My first ever Neo Geo vid is a baseball game, it's my second shot at recording and it came out crappy (first one didn't come out at all) gonna have to figure that out...

and Final Fight 3

This brings us to today's videos, first up a bonus for a very special subscriber.

Here's a classic, Rampage! On NES!

Kid Niki Radical Ninja on the NES doesn't seem too bad, but damn is it weird.

And finally, the very strange Final Fight Revenge.