10 Ways to Save Sonic

Sonic fucking sucks, but it didn't used to be that way. The classic games, Sonic, Sonic 2, Sonic 3, Sonic and Knuckles, were all great. Now we get shit. Now Sega is once again teasing us with another Sonic game that looks like it might be a return to form. But remember, that's what people thought about 2006's "Sonic the Hedgehog" and then "Sonic Unleashed" until the shittiness was "Unleashed" later on.

So here's 10 steps to take to save him.

1. Don't be afraid of 2D

The new Sonic promises to be 2D but honestly, I've heard that before. What's funny is while Heroes and all that bullshit was stinking up the shelves there were three great sonic games, on Game Boy Advance. They were 2D. Not every single series translates well to 3D, and Sonic is better off in 2D. I'm not saying I'm against the idea of further 3D Sonic games, but they gotta work on their execution, hardcore.

2. Don't force me to play as characters I don't want to play as

Once again, I point to the Sonic Advance games. You can play as Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and Amy and whatever other characters they stuck in the sequels like Cream (heh heh heh), but the game started with a damn characters select screen. If you want to only play as Sonic, you can do that. And all the characters play the same levels, meaning you're not missing out on some great level because you don't want to play as some asshole fishing cat.

3. Less story scenes

The screenshot says it all. The 2D games never had this shit, but as soon as he moves into the 3rd dimension, they feel the need to crowd it up with cutscenes. Sonic Adventure was okay, and it's sequel to a lesser extent, but after that it got nuts. The ridiculous Final Fantasy style Sonic The Hedgehog '06 was the final straw. Interspecies romance? No thanks.

4. Back to the roots, storywise

In the old days, there was a story and it was basic. Sonic was good, Eggman is bad, so go beat him up. It got a bit more than that as more characters were introduced but it was simple fun, good vs evil with no ultimate weapons or eggman's grandpa or whatever bullshit.

5. No Sword/Werewolf/Bestiality bullshit

I find myself saying why a lot. Why does sonic have a sword, why is he a werewolf, why does he have a human girlfriend, why doesn't he push Amy off a cliff. Please, make it so I don't ask these things anymore.

6. We'd rather have a short, great game than a long one padded with bullshit.

Sonic Team has pretty much come out and said they know the newer games such and that they suffer from "low quality". They also told us why. With the amazing 3D graphics we expect, they'd have to do an awful lot of rendering to make scenery that you'll just blur by anyway. So they could spend years making a game that lasts 5 hours. So they pad it with nonsense like werewolf parts and cutscenes. But you know what? It didn't take anywhere near 5 hours to play through Sonic 3. And that game rocked. We'll take the short game any over the one with all the bullcrap.

7. No more racing games.

Put a stop to this immediately, lest we suffer another "Sonic R"

8. Put the Chaos Emeralds and Bonus levels back in the game

This was always fun, finding the bonus levels and trying to get all the emeralds so we couuld become Super Sonic. Now it's just an obligatory part of the game. Yawn.

9. Work with the characters you have instead of introducing new ones.

It seems that with each of these games, they introduce a whole bunch more of these furry bastards and I can't even keep them straight anymore. Silver the Hedgehog? Is he like Silver Sonic? Fuck it. Just use the core characters and let the fringe ones be forgotten.

10. No more of this shit.

*STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP*

Video catchup

Here's a catchup on the latest videos

First, here we have a review of the Green Lantern: First Flight movie



The latest "shoutouts to my subscribers" vid



The last song of round 4, which was from Section Z



The Punisher on Genesis, which is somewhat based on the arcade game



A fun, but tough game called Conquest of the Crystal Palace on the NES



NES Commando, a total classic



The very strange game The Blues Brothers on the SNES



The NES version of Captain America and the Avengers, which is nothing to do with the Arcade game



A shockingly mediocre shooter for the Genesis, Grind Stormer



The crappy "The Immortal" on the NES



Popeye 2, a fairly fun game



Next we have a two-parter, this is the next GameCube collection update, but also a follow up to last week's "Fuck Gamestop" rant





Command and Conquer is surprisingly playable on the N64



And then we go on to the next feature, the CastleVania: Symphony of the Night playthrough. Here are the first three parts

Video update

Well as I can't really do a bunch of videos today due to Youtube maintenance, here's an update on what you've missed.

Here's song 4 in the contest, which was from Top Gear. Kinda sounds like Muse, no?



Here's a spontaneous video I did about my favorite super hero



Bad Dudes, which should be called Mediocre Dudes.



NARC, the most awesome game that actually isn't all that great.



The bizarre SNES version of Wolfenstein 3D



Song 5, where I tried to fool you all with a CastleVania sound. Didn't last too long, it's Actraiser, which got guessed pretty quickly.



Song 6 was very easy, it was Donkey Kong Country



This video demonstrates why Gamestop needs to test the used games they get. I wont' be able to return this until next Saturday. Actually I guess I could go on Friday...



This GameCube collection update also follows up on the previous video.



Next some comic book reviews





Song 7 was a bit tougher, but it got guessed pretty quick. It's Tales of Phantasia



Shantae for Game Boy Color is actually pretty good



This is Shin Chan Adventures in Cinemaland. One of the weirder ones, and one of my funnier videos.



Phantom 2040, which is annoying, but not horrifying as I thought it might be.



And song 8, from an old favorite of mine, Breath of Fire



Finally the one I did get up today before Youtube cut me off, song 9, which is as of this writing, not guessed. Couldn't even get the annotation on.

10 Simple Things A Lot of Games Fuck Up.

Here are some things that no game should fuck up, basic shit. But they do anyway.

1. A button jumps, B button attacks

For those of us who grew up playing Mario, Metroid and Mega Man and the like, this is ridiculous. Why change what we all have come to know and love? Sure, maybe you're one of those few who grew up with Alex Kidd, but here's a good way to fix it so everyone is happy

GIVE US THE OPTION TO REMAP THE GODDAMN BUTTONS.

Biggest offender I've seen is the Mega Man Anniversary Collection, which switched up what we all know and love. I still love the collection but goddamn if that isn't a pain in the ass. And you can't change it.

And it doesn't matter which is A and which is B or if they're called X and Square or whatever, you know what I'm fucking talking about.

2. Let me move around goddamnit

There are two ways this pisses me off.

A) In RPGs and the like, I understand there's a big emphasis on story. But some games have so much story in the beginning that it could literally be over an hour before you're able to even control your character in any meaningful way.

B) In action games, I want to play the damn game. The first thing I do in these sorts of games is try out the controls, get the hang of my character and mess around a little. I hate games where you take two steps forward and boom you're in a cutscene. If you're gonna do that, don't fucking tease me, just have the cutscene first and then let me play the fucking game!

Which brings me to...

3. Let me skip the goddamn cutscenes!

There are a few reasons why I'd want to skip a cutscene. Sure sometimes the story is important, but let's say I've played the damn game before. Or maybe I died once already and I'm replaying a part. Don't make me watch the same fucking long ass cutscene over again. Some games only let you skip cutscenes after you've watched them once, which I can kind of understand, but sometimes, you just don't give a shit (sonic).

4. Invisible walls are lame

To keep it short: Draw a barrier. And don't cock it up by putting up something lame like a chain link fence that your super powered machine gun toting army of one can't get through, or even interact with in any way.

5. Random kills are fucking weak.

You're just walking along and suddenly the ground beneath you cracks, you fall through and die. Does that make sense? It's a beginner's trap that has no place in games. Either give an indication that something is dangerous or don't make it kill you. Once you know to jump over the third brick from the left, you're going to do it every time, so what's the point? Action games should not be about memorization, keep that sort of crap for games like Dragon's Lair.

6. Random dead ends are a fucking waste of time.

What is pictured above is a maze. Mazes are fine. Fun, actually. However the random dead end is a thing that happens in an RPG where you're faced with two choices and one leads to a dead end. You go to the end and come back, probably having to fight one or two enemies along the way. Why do this? If it's not a maze, then at least put something in there like an item or something.

7. Fuck escort missions

There are two exceptions to the "fuck escort missions" thing. One is Ico, which is itself one giant escort mission. The other are games like Resident Evil, which rely on horror for ambience. Otherwise, no one likes this shit. The worst offenders are combat games. I just want to shoot shit, not give cover while some other person does the shit I want to be doing.

8. Punching Superman doesn't hurt him

Please, if you're basing your character on a comic book, book, movie, tv show or whatever, then know their powers and weaknesses. Populating a Superman game with a bunch of random thugs who can whittle away your energy by punching (or in that case, even shooting at you with guns) is stupid.

9. 3D isn't necessarily better than 2D

I'll let the image speak for itself.

10. Roster updates should be down loadable content.

Maybe it's because the Madden crowd is too stupid to realize they just paid 60 dollars for a graphical touch up and a roster update. Personally though, EA would make MORE money if they charged 30 bucks for DLC and save millions on manufacturing boxes, DVDs, game manuals and then shipping it all.

Videos

Hey guys, sorry. I did say I would update but it was a very busy week and then a long weekend.

Happy labor day though!

Everything should be fairy back on track by Friday for a post if not by Wednesday, I've been busy downloading a large collection of games as I'm going to be announcing another system I will take requests for pretty soon.

that being said, let's catch up.

I got Guitar Hero 5 (which I'm almost done with, can't put it down!) and here are some videos about that.







Here's an awful piece of crap called Castle of Dragon



Here's a great shootemup, Life Force



Final Fight One for GBA ends the "Streets of Final Fight" feature in style! The next feature will be a playthrough of the PlayStation game CastleVania: Symphony of the Night



Here's the typical rules video for round 4 of the music challenge, which is a lot easier than round 3, which I'm sure is relief for a lot of people. Did this on with my friend Ares



Here's the first song, I got some weird guesses, though it got guessed fairly quickly. It's Condemned: Criminal Origins for XBox 360



Here's my latest GameCube collection video



Here's a shockingly good racer, Road Rash 3 on Genesis



And a shockingly strange Colecovision game, Campaign 84



I don't get why you'd want to watch me play Pokemon Snap, but here it is.



Here's the next song, which I thought would take a while but someone got it almost instantly. It's King of Fighters 94 for Neo Geo



Here's today's videos!

Starting off with the great Genesis port of Strider



And here's me sucking at the original Fatal Fury on Neo Geo



And, ugh, Virtua Fighter (32X version)



Lastly today's song, which got guessed fairly quickly though a bunch of people predictably guessed James Bond games (I am sneaky like that) It's from Street Fighter III

Videos

Sorry no post for a while, found myself tired.

There'll be a normal update tomorrow, in the meantime let's get you guys up to speed on videos.

First is a game I had no idea how to play, Mischeif Makers on the Nintendo 64



Then Tecmo Super NBA Basketball, which I sucked at, but oh well.



Streets of Final Fight continues with the X68000 version of Final Fight, which I didn't think I'd be able to do at first.



One of my favorites, Duke Nukem 64



No idea what I'm doing here in Tower of Doom for Intellivision, but it was an amusing vid.



Mighty Final Fight is the next up for Streets of Final Fight, this one has a chibi style art work and Double Dragon inspired level progression



And who doesn't love F-Zero?



Frog Bog on the Intellivison. Not much to say about it.



Finally a sequel! Final Fight 2



My latest GameCube acquisitions



And my look at the console itself in three parts






A video that got a big response, my thoughts on the 360/ps3 price war going on.





And some comic book reviews





My first ever Neo Geo vid is a baseball game, it's my second shot at recording and it came out crappy (first one didn't come out at all) gonna have to figure that out...



and Final Fight 3



This brings us to today's videos, first up a bonus for a very special subscriber.



Here's a classic, Rampage! On NES!



Kid Niki Radical Ninja on the NES doesn't seem too bad, but damn is it weird.



And finally, the very strange Final Fight Revenge.

10 Weird Concepts Turned Into Great Games

There was a time when video games meant you controlled one moving colored object and you interacted with other moving colored objects.

Actually, that's still the definition of video games. But as time has gone on, the ways in which you interact have changed. In ye olden days, you either shot at or jumped over everything, or maybe if the game was daring you hit it with a sword. Here are some concepts that you'd never think a great game would come out of, but they did anyway.

1. Wild Arms

System: PlayStation
Wild Arms is, at it's barest of bones, a turn based RPG. That's not really that unusual, but the setting is. RPGS most of the time are fantasy affairs with the occasional sci-fi or dystopian based games. But Wild Arms is a western. Guns, Cowboys and Biff Tannen doing headers into shit. That kind of western. The game took a while to catch on, as it wasn't until Wild Arms 3 that people really started to get some attention, but the original is a cult classic that is worth a look for the bizarre concept alone.

2. Sonic the Hedgehog

System: Genesis
We're all so very familiar with Sonic at this point that it takes a bit to think about how odd the concept is. In a game based on speed, why choose a hedgehog? They're not exactly known for quickness...why not a rabbit or cheetah or some shit? That being said, Sonic turned out great (though he has since sucked hard), but this is despite being a hedgehog, not because of it. There are also several iterations of the character, but the original is really strange, as it puts him as an alien from a faraway planet fighting against a guy named "Robotnik" who makes robots (what are the odds?) though he's now more usually referred to as "Eggman" because he looks like an egg (once again, wtf). The games got even weirder, what with his mutant sidekicks and whatnot, but the original was based on a foundation of weird shit.

3. Katamari Demancy

System: PlayStation 2
You know they had to be smoking weed when they came up with this idea. It's a game that uses the bare basics of controls, you only use the PlayStation 2's two joysticks and roll around a sticky ball. You roll over shit smaller than you and it sticks to you, making your ball larger. Having large balls is the name of the game, and simplicity is the other name of the game. It's shockingly addictive and fun despite it's primitive graphics, weird design and oddball characters.

4. Fat Princess

System: PlayStation Network
Fat Princess is a capture the flag style war game, the idea of these sorts of games is to command units to get into the oppositions area, get their "flag" and bring it back, at which point you win. You also have to protect your own flag. In Fat Princess, the flag is actually a petite little princess, and aside from your little alien homonid looking fuckers going around murdering each other, you'll have to protect your flag. You protect your princess by force feeding the bitch cake until she bloats up like Rosie O'Donnell. This makes it more difficult for your opponents to bring her back quickly, and it will require more of them to pick her up (kind of referencing another game you'll see on this list...) The game is simple and fun with a hilarious concept, and if the PlayStation 3 was worth it, this would be a good choice.

5. Braid

System: XBox Live Arcade, PlayStation Network, PC
Ah, Braid. Braid is a really great game that at first seems like a basic old-school style run and jump platform with a lot of puzzles to solve. Even the game's usage of "rewinding" time to undo things, including your own death, is really not all that unusual (I see it as an evolution of some of the concepts that came around in Viewtiful Joe), but the story is a weird ass concept. You play as this little Angus Young looking guy trying to rescue a princess, only to find at the end that you're somehow the bad guy. Some people have suggested that Braid's storyline isn't even about saving a princess or being a stalker, but an allegory for nuclear holocaust. What is really strange is the game is already great without being deep, it could have been a standard you save the princess she blows you type thing. But they went that extra mile to make it weird, and the game was better for it.

6. Plants vs Zombies

System: PC, XBox Live Arcade
Well, most of Popcap's games are strange concepts like rearranging gems and whatnot but this really takes the cake. I had heard the name "Plants vs Zombies" and the title alone made me want to check it out, and after getting a very spirited reccomentdation from a co-worker I had to try it. Basically it's a tower defense game, but your towers are plants and the "creeps" are zombies. The game is challenging, simple, quirky, funny and there's a lot of meat there with 50 levels and loads of mini games, puzzle games and other shit to play. I am hopelessly addicted to this game, the one where plants fight zombies.

7. WarioWare Inc. Mega MicroGame$

System: Game Boy Advance
Oh man this one is W.E.I.R.D. In WarioWare, Wario decides he can make a load of money making video games, but all of his games last about 5 seconds. These "microgames" are great, as you get a single word command telling you what to do and you have about 5 seconds to figure it out. Most of the microgames are really simple, but some take a few tries to even figure out. There's also a lot of them based on classic Nintendo titles like Zelda or Punch Out. The game spawned many sequels, and they continue to get weirder and better.

8. Pikmin

System: GameCube
Oh man. I fucking love this game. Pikmin is the game where you play as a tiny little space captain about an inch high who crash lands on an alien planet (Earth) and has to repair his ship with the help of little grass-like creatures called Pikmin. The game is simply amazing and defies description, you simply have to try it out to understand how great it is. The colorful and happy tone belies the game's plot, where Olimar gets increasingly despondent as the game's 30 days wear on, as he'll die from Oxygen poisoning if his ship is not repaired on time. The game launched an even more amazing sequel, Pikmin 2 as well as Wii re-releases and a soon to be third entry into the series.

9. Shadow of the Colossus

System: PlayStation 2
You gotta hand it to Team Ico for making Video Games into an art form. Their first effort, Ico was already amazing, but it's not really that weird, standard save the princess/love story action/platformer/puzzler. It's prequel however is strange and wonderful. You are once again attempting to rescue a lady, only this time she's asleep and you have to beat several powerful bosses to break the spell and awaken her. Now that's not all that strange, as it's basically the plot of Zelda II. But what's strange s that there are no enemies in the game, only the bosses. And there are no levels either. You simply travel to where they are and beat them. The game is blissful and basically fun in a box but a concept where a game is nothing more than a few boss battles? Amazing that they pulled it off.

10. Wario Land II

System: Game Boy, Game Boy Color
Wario makes his second appearance on my list. This is the game that transformed him from a Mario stand in to a verifiable gaming star. There were already two games previously, Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3 and Virtual Boy Wario Land but they were standard fares where you ran jumped and shoulder charged your way through levels, finding treasures and coins and using special hats to power up. However Wario Land II did something amazing and did something different. You can't die. Ever. The game's entire concept is based around the fact that Wario can't die. Get hit by an enemy? You get knocked back and lose some coins. Fall down a ravine? There's a whole area down there to explore. Wario even had to get hit at certain points, as certain types of damage would change him. Get stung by a bee and he swells up and starts floating upwards. Get burned and he can run around while on fire and break certain blocks. Get flattened and go through small areas. Concepts such as challenge in a platform game were challenged themselves and even the idea of boss battles had to be re-thought. The game got a sequel, Wario Land 3, which follows the same tone. Wario Land 4 and subsequent games would give Wario a life meter, and they were also great. But it all really started here with a really strange concept.

Today's videos.

Pretty good assortment today.

First, a game I'm glad to have tried, Shatterhand



Next, another fucking Animaniacs game.



and lastly, Final Fight CD

The 10 Greatest Consoles Ever

Usually I avoid doing lists that go in any sort of order, I just name 10 of something. But today I'm breaking convention and bringing you the top 10 best consoles (handhelds included) to grace our Earth. Disagree? Well, then you're just wrong. This issue can be remedied simply. Just quit it.

Seeing as how it's this type of list, let's do something exciting and slightly unnatural, and count DOWN!

10. Atari 2600

Made by: Atari
Also known as: VCS, Video Computer System, 2600 Jr.
Lifespan: 1977 - 1992
You didn't read that wrong. The Atari 2600, usually called "The Atari" or perhaps "The Fucking Atari" if you're feeling daring, debuted in glorious 1977 and stuck around until Atari officially kiboshed it in 1992. By that time we were enjoying glorious 16 bit consoles and Atari was thought of as something from the long long ago. It outlasted it's two successors, the ill fated 5200 and 7800. It's lifespan of 15 years is no mistake, as it personified and defined video games for a generation of gamers. Mostly a way to play very watered down versions of arcade classics, the 2600 had pretty much everything, and this is despite it having one button on the joystick and looking like a damned clock radio. To this day, homebrew 2600 games are made and enjoyed by Atari enthusiasts and old-school gamers alike. Making the list for it's lifespan and significant historical importance, if you make a list like this and the console isn't there, then you're a damned tool.

9. XBox 360

Made by: Microsoft
Also known as: Xenon, Nextbox, XBox 2, XBox FS, XBox Next
Lifespan: 2005 - current
Let's face it. Unless you're a fratboy or gramer, the original X-Box was a dud. Poor market penetration in Japan (the largest gaming market), bad design and a library of games with very few exclusives that weren't either gramer fare. Microsoft got it right the second time around. Firstly the design is great. It's still kinda fucking huge, but it at least looks like something you'd keep in your house and not be ashamed of. The ridiculous controllers of the original (the shoddy Type S and the even shoddier original) were replaced by the best new controller design in a long ass time. These simple changes, as well as upgrades and poor choices by Sony, have led to a big switch in placings. It used to you'd have a hard time getting people to play XBox games with you online because they all had Playstation 2. Now they all have XBox 360 and the poor schmuck with the PS3 is sitting there trying to pretend "Home" is interesting or fun. The 360 shows no signs of slowing down. It may play second fiddle to Nintendo's Wii console, but it absolutely dominates Sony, which is something that five years ago would have been a laughable comment worthy of being put into the stocks and pelted with canned sardines (still in the cans, of course.)

8. Genesis

Made by: Sega
Also known as: Mega Drive, MK-1601
Lifespan: 1988 - 1997 (with a trickle of games up until 2008)
The Sega Genesis is an interesting beast. It was Sega's FIFTH attempt at a gaming console, after their SG1000 line and Master System failed to penetrate the most important markets (Japan and America) You figure they'd have given up. Fifth time the charm, right? The Sega Genesis played second fiddle to Nintendo for it's entire lifespan, first to the NES and then to the Super NES, and the end of it's lifespan was marred by ill conceived add ons and poor support, leading to a number of high profile games being cancelled, or only available with addons. The Genesis however was quite the distinguished competition, with it's focus on sports titles, platformers and run and gun action titles. The Genesis also gave us Sonic, for what that's worth. Trust me, back in the day, Sonic was awesome. New Genesis games pop up from time to time, with the most recent coming out in 2008. The system still has a loyal fanbase, a group of gamers who never cared that they had the second place system and simply enjoyed it. Forget about "Blast Processing" and all the shit you could plug into it and just remember classics like Sonic and Knuckles, Ristar, CastleVania Bloodlines, Phantasy Star and Rocket Knight Adventures. Sega would never achieve this sort of success again, leading me to believe that it just wasn't meant to be. The Genesis is a sort of beautiful fluke, from a company that was great at making games, but questionable at making consoles.

GameCube

Made by: Nintendo
Also known as: Star Cube, Dolphin
Lifespan: 2001 - 2006
The GameCube is one of my very favorite consoles. I still to this day find it an underrated wonderbox full of fun and win. The GameCube was Nintendo's first foray into the world of optical disc media, and they chose tiny little discs that can only hold about 1.5GB for whatever reason. However the little box got a lot of punch out of those little discs, with shockingly good looking games such as Resident Evil, Super Mario Sunshine, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and hell, even the launch title Rouge Leader still looks great to me. GameCube came in third to Playstation 2 and XBox, due partly to the fact that those systems were selling themselves as DVD players and Nintendo's family friendly image (something that helps them immensely now, ironically enough. The GameCube was the little system that could, easily out performing the Playstation 2 in terms of graphics, if not it's library. The system's semi-niche status led to innovative little gems such as Pikmin, which is basically what happens if you take pure joy and burn it onto an optical disc. And for once, add ons didn't hurt the system, as the Game Boy Player let you play GBA, GBC and GB games on your tv, and the design didn't mar the system in any way. The system's design is compact and it even has a fucking handle. Seriously, how could you not love this thing? (P.S. get used to seeing Nintendo stuff on here..)


6. Wii

Made by: Nintendo
Also known as: Revolution
Lifespan: 2006 - current
Aside from sounding like something you can do with your cock 2 to 5 times a day, depending on your diet, the Wii is a great innovative console. After coming in second to Sony with their Nintendo 64 console and then in third place with the GameCube. The Wii is the current dominant system (except for a few months where the DSi outsold it.) There's a lot going for it. Instead of trying to make a powerhouse, Nintendo crafted a system not much more powerful than it's GameCube, but gave it increased capacity, backwards compatibility, actual support for online gaming and...oh yeah the big thing the Wii is known for, motion control. The controller, which people call the Wiimote, is a shockingly great piece of tech that has led to many gameplay innovations. The Wii changed the meaning of Video Game and challenged non gamers to join in the fray. "It's just a video game" turned into "It looks like fun" as Nintendo finally stopped whining about their family friendly image and fucking CASHED IN on it. Get the kids involved, get grandpa involved and hope he doesn't break a hip or put the Wiimote through your TV. That's not to say the system doesn't have normal games, as gems such as Super Mario Galaxy, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, The Conduit and Madworld have shown. Add things like the virtual console and Nintendo channel in and the fact that it costs a measly 250.00 and it's an easy sell. And as much as I love the GameCube, this thing finally retired my GameCube as Nintendo didn't pull a Sony and included backwards compatibility for GCN games, controllers and memory cards.

5. Nintendo Entertainment System

Made by: Nintendo
Also known as: Famicom, Family Computer, NES, NES2, The Nintendo, The Goddamn Nintendo, The Real Fucking Deal
Lifespan: 1983 - 1995 (with a trickle of games afterwards)
The NES, we used to just call it the Nintendo. We didn't say we were playing video games, we said we were playing Nintendo. Sometimes people said they were "playing Nintendo" when they weren't playing a Nintendo console. That's how prevalent this thing is. I could talk about the games, the innovation, the classic good time feelings of warm fuzzy nostalgic wonderfulness with kittens, fluffy clouds and Bill Cosby. But you've heard it all before and honestly isn't nothing you couldn't say about the Sega Genesis. The reason the NES ushers us into the top 5 for a simple reason. Video games were dead like liberal credibility, and the NES was a savior, a beacon, a holy light, a fucking righteous deliverance of the return of video gaming as credible, financially supported and a household name. Gaming died in 1983 and the NES rose from the ashes like some sort of red bird that does that sort of thing. The NES ushered in an age of gaming prosperity that continues to this day. And for that, we raise our goblets of gaming and say "Fuck yeah, NES".

4. PlayStation 2

Made by: Sony
Also known as: PS2, PSTwo
Lifespan: 2000 - current
Let's get the bullshit out of the way. It killed the Dreamcast, it's launch was marred by hardware delays and shortages, the release games mostly sucked and bla bla bla. Then the PS2 suddenly was like, BOOM I'M THE FUCKING PS2. And it was great. In a lot of ways, the PS2 is the Atari 2600 of this generation, as it was launched in 2000, a year before it's now slain competitors XBox and GameCube, and is still being sold today. The PS2 is considered as much of a current system as the PS3, as it has the largest user base out there, even larger than the Wii. Playstation 2 isn't just a gaming console/DVD player, it's everything it's name embodies. It's the successor to the PlayStation, it's backward compatible, it uses an evolution of the same controller (with the same design) and it's full of familiarity, good feelings and everyone fucking has one. The PS3, by comparison, is an overpriced overhyped machine that has spotty backwards compatibility (plays some PS1 games, most models won't play PS2 at all) and is basically a massive tool. The system will celebrate it's 10th anniversary next year and Sony says it will support it until 2012 (and unless things with the PS3 turn around, they'd probably have to go past that.) And then there's the games. Almost any game you can find on XBox is on here, and most of the GameCube ones, and the system has many great exclusives. Big name titles are the name of the game, but innovative little gems like Ico and Shadow of the Colossus are still there. Oh and it has high profile series such as Final Fantasy and Metal Gear all to itself, not to mention somehow bamboozling Namco into making Soul Calibur III exclusive. The PS2 is the old standby, and it ain't going anywhere, not for a long ass time.

3. Nintendo DS

Made by: Nintendo
Also known as: DS, DS Lite, DSi, That Game Boy Thing With Two Screens And The Plastic Pencil Thing, Yeah, That's The One
Lifespan: 2004 - current
I felt I needed to put a handheld on the list, and it's a rough going, but let's face it. The non-Nintendo handhelds pretty much suck balls. The DS is the cumulation of over two decades of handheld design. It takes cues from all of it's predecessors, from the original Game and Watch to it's direct predecessor, the Game Boy Micro. The DS is of course known for having everything all in one package. It has two screens, a touch screen with stylus, a microphone, more buttons than the GBA/SP/M and it plays games from that system. If it played GB and GBC games I might have tried to somehow graft it onto my body. The DS boasts amazing games, innovative design and an evolution that led us to the superior DS Lite and the not so superior DSi. The DSi actually pisses me off with having great features but losing the GBA support. But as Nintendo pointed out, it's just an excuse to own two DS systems. So Hail mighty DS, king of handhelds, into your warm plastic clasp we commence, and in your bright glow we totally play Mario Kart into the small hours. Amen, motherfucker.

2. PlayStation

Made by: Sony
Also known as: PS, PS1, PSOne, PSX
Lifespan: 1994 - 2006
Nintendo's biggest mistake was allowing this thing to exist. Despite the Sega CD being a joke, Nintendo momentarily felt threatened and pursued their own CD add on, first with Phillips and then with Sony. This supposed "Nintendo PlayStation X" never materialized but Sony retooled what they had into their own 32-bit machine. The looming PlayStation was such a threat that a rep from Atari (who were producing their shitty Jaguar system at the time) claimed that the PlayStation would cost 500 bucks and anything less was price dumping and would lead to legal action. The PlayStation launched at a more typical 300 bucks and quickly dropped to 200 once real competition started showing up. The PlayStation made previous efforts at 32 bit machines and CD-ROM based machines look like a joke, even outperforming the similar Saturn machine Sega put out. The PlayStation was more than an interesting origin story however, as it's library of more than a thousand games, many of them high profile series that once called Nintendo their home, coupled with a smart marketing campaign that changed Gaming from a nerdy niche to just what everyone does. Gaming was now being marketed at the jackasses that made fun of you for your hobby, and it's okay to feel a little bit stung by that, until you start playing CastleVania: Symphony of the Night, then you're pretty much required to shut the hell up. The system also launched the PlayStation brand which is alive today despite Sony's best efforts. I could go on forever but I'll just say this: How prevalent is this thing? My spellchecker knows that you have to capitalize the "S" in PlayStation.

DRUMROLL PLEASE


1. Super Nintendo Entertainment System

Made by: Nintendo
Also known as: Super NES, SNES, Super Nintendo, God
Lifespan: 1990 - 2000
See that lifespan? This thing owned the 90's. The entire decade bows down and submits it's raw, supple bottom to Nintendo's thrusting gleaming "stylus". The Super NES put it right in the name: it's fucking super. So Super that if you thought for a second that anything else could occupy the top spot, then I would suggest a series of tests. Physical, to rule out anything like a sort of malignant tumor, and then a long, hard, penetrating battery of psychological tests.

But I digress.

I could talk about the actual system, but that'd be counter productive. So here is what I would like to call "Exhibit A".

Super Mario World, Chrono Trigger, Super Metroid, Final Fantasy IV (and VI), Super Mario Kart, Super CastleVania IV, Contra III, Super Mario RPG, Street Fighter II Turbo, Killer Instinct, Donkey Kong Country (and 2 and 3), Yoshi's Island, Mega Man X (and 2 and 3), The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, F-Zero, Kirby Super Star, Lufia II, Star Fox, Mega Man VII, Soul Blazer, Breath of Fire (and II), ActRaiser, Dragon Quest V (and VI), Super Ghouls n Ghosts, Super Bomberman (5 of them), TMNT4, Secret of Mana....

and that's just off the top of my head.

Latest videos

Did some videos yesterday...meant to do a third but it never happened, that'll be explained in a video going up later today.

Here's the latest comic book reviews



And the latest shoutouts vid.

Videos

Here's today's videos

First the unbelievably shitty Beetlejuice



A great N64 game, Blast Corps



And finally, the latest in Streets of Final Fight, Final Fight Guy

10 Systems That Fucking Disappeared

In this type of industry for a gaming system to make it onto shelves and stay there for more than a few months is a really really good accomplishment. So here are 10 systems that came and went, leaving very little (if any) impact.

CD-i

What is it?
The CD-i was the very first stand-alone CD-ROM based video gaming console. It was developed by Phillips, the creators of the CD, and marketed as more than just a video gaming console, but a multimedia entertainment system. That being said, it cost a thousand dollars, and had very few actual games. It was birthed out of a deal between Phillips and Nintendo that never happened.
What is it known for?
The CD-i is barely known at all. It had many different manufacturers, so there were several different types of CD-i machines you could buy, if you actually found a store willing to sell it. Because of the Nintendo connection and some legal wrangling, they managed to get a Mario game and three Zelda games. They are all awful and best forgotten. Sadly, the biggest thing the system is known for is birthing these abortions, which have led us to youtube poops.
So what happened?
The CD-i was shitty and expensive, which was it's death knell. If you're going to ask people to pay a thousand dollars when a Super NES costs 200, you better have something to back it up, and I'm not talking about Hotel Mario. Aside from bad games, the systems tended to fail and had poor controllers. Only one of which you could actually plug into the system at a time.

2. Nuon

What is it?
The Nuon was the machine marked as "Project X" you might remember the ad with a giant X crushing what looked like Mario's head. Oh no, a Nintendo killer! Sadly, the machine got renamed to "Nuon" and wasn't so much a console as it was a type of DVD player that could sort of play games. Like the CD-i, there's a lot of different versions.
What is it known for?
Being an embarrassing joke. There were a total of four movies and eight games that used the Nuon technology. And one of those movies was the "Planet of the Apes" remake, which if you see laying around you should destroy with a hammer, or perhaps some kind of backhoe. The games? Well when your killer app is "Tempest 3000" there's a problem. Also look at the fucking controller. That's a cheap third party N64 knockoff.
So what happened?
The company who made the Nuon went bankrupt, which provest here's some justice to the world. The company that bought them probably wrote the shit off.

3. Pippin

What is it
It's not a hobbit, it's a gaming console. Made by Apple. Before they were known for naming things after the names they already had, only adding "i" before them, they named shit after apples. This is back before Apple was hip and trendy also, so you can imagine how awesome the Pippin was. It was so awesome that it barely even existed.
What is it known for?
Mostly the controller. It had a boomerang looking controller with a trackball that was hard to hold. Remember the original design for the PS3 controller? Like that, only worse. It was another "multimedia entertainment center" which was a joke as it was supposed to compete with the likes of the PlayStation.
So what happened?
They produced so few of these that some theorized there were more accessories made than actual consoles. And they still sold less than half of them. There were about 18 games, 6 of which came with the system. And I can't even name a single one.

4. Jaguar

What is it?
It's a system you probably heard of, as it's well known as the butt of any console joke you know. What's sad is it was the most successful system on my list. It was made by Atari, which once ruled the world of gaming, but since then have become a joke. Atari was into naming their shit after cats at the time, as they also had a handheld called the Lynx and a proposed but never released console called the Panther.
What is it known for?
Aside from housing many shitty games (and so few good ones) the Jaguar was mostly known for it's controller, which had a ridiculous amount of buttons. The marketing campaign was also memorable and pretty prevalent, which led to the system's small success. "Do the math" basically got graphic whores to buy it, but you can't argue with shitty games.
So what happened?
The system started dying when everyone and their mother realized it sucked. Atari did the only thing they could think of at the time, release a CD-ROM based add-on for it. The business decision of releasing a CD-ROM add-on to a system that barely anybody has, that requires the original system, is the reason that Atari no longer makes consoles. There is a fairly big homebrew scene however.

5. Virtual Boy

What is it?
Proof that even Nintendo can fuck up royally if given enough smack. The Virtual Boy was a cash in on a Virtual Reality craze that never even happened. It was a hybrid of a console and a handheld, with a red and black 3D display, a very limited amount of games and a weird controller that had two D pads.
What is it known for?
Headaches. The games gave you headaches after only a small amount of time playing them. Add eyestrain to that and even the possibility of seizures.
So what happened?
It failed faster than an anarchist at a wheat thins party. The Virtual Boy is something of a collector's item now, as most of the units sold were returned and some people seem to have a morbid fascination with it. Saddest part is most of the games were pretty good.

6. N-Gage

What is it?
An electric Taco
What is it known for?
Okay, I should explain further. This mess was supposed to compete with the Game Boy Advance by offering superior graphics and the fact that it's also a phone. It was a terrible, uncomfortable phone and to switch games you had to take the fucking thing apart.
What happened?
It died faster than Ann Coulter's credibility.

7. Game.com

What is it
The Game.Com was like an orignal Game Boy with internet capabilities.
What was it known for
Black and white Game Boy style graphics in 1997. SERIOUSLY. And the internet thing, with it's glorious 14.4 modem.
So what happened
Despite having big name games such as Mega Man, Duke Nukem and Turok (There was even a CastleVania game in the works) the damn thing just couldn't hack it. Nobody wanted to surf the web at 14.4 on a tiny black and white screen or play Duke Nukem on a glorified Game Boy.

8. Channel F System II

What is it?
The second version of a system you probably never heard of. The original Channel F was actually really innovative and important to video game history, despite not really being a success. It pioneered the cartridge based system. However it couldn't compete with the Atari 2600 which had better graphics. System II was an attempt to do what System I couldn't.
What is it known for?
Well, nothing really. The original system had a game show that you could use your Channel F to interact with, but the second system was barely a blip on the radar.
So what happened?
Atari happened. Six games came out for the Channel F System II and then Fairchild gave up on making video games.

Q

What is it?
Nintendo again...sort of. It's a GameCube...and a DVD player. This was back when people though it was a big deal that the GameCube didn't play DVDs, as the PlayStation 2 and X-Box did this. Nintendo promised a version that would, though it was oddly released by Panasonic and never got outside of Japan.
What is it known for?
Other than looking like a printer fucked a stereo, the Q is a snazzy collector's item but it really is just a GameCube that plays DVDs.
So what happened?
People came to their senses and realized you could buy a GameCube and a DVD player for less than the cost of this thing.

Loopy

What is it
The Loopy is made by Casio, a name you probably associate with cheaply made toy synthesizers in the 80's. It's a Japanese game console marketed specifically at girls. Japanese girls.
What is it known for?
Well, the Loopy may be the only console in history to be marketed solely at girls and it really shows. Out of the 10 games released for it, almost all of them were dating games. It also made stickers.
So what happened?
It's a Casio made console with 10 games, mostly dating sims, aimed at Japanese girls that also makes stickers. What the fuck did you think happened?