The 10 Greatest Consoles Ever

Usually I avoid doing lists that go in any sort of order, I just name 10 of something. But today I'm breaking convention and bringing you the top 10 best consoles (handhelds included) to grace our Earth. Disagree? Well, then you're just wrong. This issue can be remedied simply. Just quit it.

Seeing as how it's this type of list, let's do something exciting and slightly unnatural, and count DOWN!

10. Atari 2600

Made by: Atari
Also known as: VCS, Video Computer System, 2600 Jr.
Lifespan: 1977 - 1992
You didn't read that wrong. The Atari 2600, usually called "The Atari" or perhaps "The Fucking Atari" if you're feeling daring, debuted in glorious 1977 and stuck around until Atari officially kiboshed it in 1992. By that time we were enjoying glorious 16 bit consoles and Atari was thought of as something from the long long ago. It outlasted it's two successors, the ill fated 5200 and 7800. It's lifespan of 15 years is no mistake, as it personified and defined video games for a generation of gamers. Mostly a way to play very watered down versions of arcade classics, the 2600 had pretty much everything, and this is despite it having one button on the joystick and looking like a damned clock radio. To this day, homebrew 2600 games are made and enjoyed by Atari enthusiasts and old-school gamers alike. Making the list for it's lifespan and significant historical importance, if you make a list like this and the console isn't there, then you're a damned tool.

9. XBox 360

Made by: Microsoft
Also known as: Xenon, Nextbox, XBox 2, XBox FS, XBox Next
Lifespan: 2005 - current
Let's face it. Unless you're a fratboy or gramer, the original X-Box was a dud. Poor market penetration in Japan (the largest gaming market), bad design and a library of games with very few exclusives that weren't either gramer fare. Microsoft got it right the second time around. Firstly the design is great. It's still kinda fucking huge, but it at least looks like something you'd keep in your house and not be ashamed of. The ridiculous controllers of the original (the shoddy Type S and the even shoddier original) were replaced by the best new controller design in a long ass time. These simple changes, as well as upgrades and poor choices by Sony, have led to a big switch in placings. It used to you'd have a hard time getting people to play XBox games with you online because they all had Playstation 2. Now they all have XBox 360 and the poor schmuck with the PS3 is sitting there trying to pretend "Home" is interesting or fun. The 360 shows no signs of slowing down. It may play second fiddle to Nintendo's Wii console, but it absolutely dominates Sony, which is something that five years ago would have been a laughable comment worthy of being put into the stocks and pelted with canned sardines (still in the cans, of course.)

8. Genesis

Made by: Sega
Also known as: Mega Drive, MK-1601
Lifespan: 1988 - 1997 (with a trickle of games up until 2008)
The Sega Genesis is an interesting beast. It was Sega's FIFTH attempt at a gaming console, after their SG1000 line and Master System failed to penetrate the most important markets (Japan and America) You figure they'd have given up. Fifth time the charm, right? The Sega Genesis played second fiddle to Nintendo for it's entire lifespan, first to the NES and then to the Super NES, and the end of it's lifespan was marred by ill conceived add ons and poor support, leading to a number of high profile games being cancelled, or only available with addons. The Genesis however was quite the distinguished competition, with it's focus on sports titles, platformers and run and gun action titles. The Genesis also gave us Sonic, for what that's worth. Trust me, back in the day, Sonic was awesome. New Genesis games pop up from time to time, with the most recent coming out in 2008. The system still has a loyal fanbase, a group of gamers who never cared that they had the second place system and simply enjoyed it. Forget about "Blast Processing" and all the shit you could plug into it and just remember classics like Sonic and Knuckles, Ristar, CastleVania Bloodlines, Phantasy Star and Rocket Knight Adventures. Sega would never achieve this sort of success again, leading me to believe that it just wasn't meant to be. The Genesis is a sort of beautiful fluke, from a company that was great at making games, but questionable at making consoles.

GameCube

Made by: Nintendo
Also known as: Star Cube, Dolphin
Lifespan: 2001 - 2006
The GameCube is one of my very favorite consoles. I still to this day find it an underrated wonderbox full of fun and win. The GameCube was Nintendo's first foray into the world of optical disc media, and they chose tiny little discs that can only hold about 1.5GB for whatever reason. However the little box got a lot of punch out of those little discs, with shockingly good looking games such as Resident Evil, Super Mario Sunshine, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and hell, even the launch title Rouge Leader still looks great to me. GameCube came in third to Playstation 2 and XBox, due partly to the fact that those systems were selling themselves as DVD players and Nintendo's family friendly image (something that helps them immensely now, ironically enough. The GameCube was the little system that could, easily out performing the Playstation 2 in terms of graphics, if not it's library. The system's semi-niche status led to innovative little gems such as Pikmin, which is basically what happens if you take pure joy and burn it onto an optical disc. And for once, add ons didn't hurt the system, as the Game Boy Player let you play GBA, GBC and GB games on your tv, and the design didn't mar the system in any way. The system's design is compact and it even has a fucking handle. Seriously, how could you not love this thing? (P.S. get used to seeing Nintendo stuff on here..)


6. Wii

Made by: Nintendo
Also known as: Revolution
Lifespan: 2006 - current
Aside from sounding like something you can do with your cock 2 to 5 times a day, depending on your diet, the Wii is a great innovative console. After coming in second to Sony with their Nintendo 64 console and then in third place with the GameCube. The Wii is the current dominant system (except for a few months where the DSi outsold it.) There's a lot going for it. Instead of trying to make a powerhouse, Nintendo crafted a system not much more powerful than it's GameCube, but gave it increased capacity, backwards compatibility, actual support for online gaming and...oh yeah the big thing the Wii is known for, motion control. The controller, which people call the Wiimote, is a shockingly great piece of tech that has led to many gameplay innovations. The Wii changed the meaning of Video Game and challenged non gamers to join in the fray. "It's just a video game" turned into "It looks like fun" as Nintendo finally stopped whining about their family friendly image and fucking CASHED IN on it. Get the kids involved, get grandpa involved and hope he doesn't break a hip or put the Wiimote through your TV. That's not to say the system doesn't have normal games, as gems such as Super Mario Galaxy, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, The Conduit and Madworld have shown. Add things like the virtual console and Nintendo channel in and the fact that it costs a measly 250.00 and it's an easy sell. And as much as I love the GameCube, this thing finally retired my GameCube as Nintendo didn't pull a Sony and included backwards compatibility for GCN games, controllers and memory cards.

5. Nintendo Entertainment System

Made by: Nintendo
Also known as: Famicom, Family Computer, NES, NES2, The Nintendo, The Goddamn Nintendo, The Real Fucking Deal
Lifespan: 1983 - 1995 (with a trickle of games afterwards)
The NES, we used to just call it the Nintendo. We didn't say we were playing video games, we said we were playing Nintendo. Sometimes people said they were "playing Nintendo" when they weren't playing a Nintendo console. That's how prevalent this thing is. I could talk about the games, the innovation, the classic good time feelings of warm fuzzy nostalgic wonderfulness with kittens, fluffy clouds and Bill Cosby. But you've heard it all before and honestly isn't nothing you couldn't say about the Sega Genesis. The reason the NES ushers us into the top 5 for a simple reason. Video games were dead like liberal credibility, and the NES was a savior, a beacon, a holy light, a fucking righteous deliverance of the return of video gaming as credible, financially supported and a household name. Gaming died in 1983 and the NES rose from the ashes like some sort of red bird that does that sort of thing. The NES ushered in an age of gaming prosperity that continues to this day. And for that, we raise our goblets of gaming and say "Fuck yeah, NES".

4. PlayStation 2

Made by: Sony
Also known as: PS2, PSTwo
Lifespan: 2000 - current
Let's get the bullshit out of the way. It killed the Dreamcast, it's launch was marred by hardware delays and shortages, the release games mostly sucked and bla bla bla. Then the PS2 suddenly was like, BOOM I'M THE FUCKING PS2. And it was great. In a lot of ways, the PS2 is the Atari 2600 of this generation, as it was launched in 2000, a year before it's now slain competitors XBox and GameCube, and is still being sold today. The PS2 is considered as much of a current system as the PS3, as it has the largest user base out there, even larger than the Wii. Playstation 2 isn't just a gaming console/DVD player, it's everything it's name embodies. It's the successor to the PlayStation, it's backward compatible, it uses an evolution of the same controller (with the same design) and it's full of familiarity, good feelings and everyone fucking has one. The PS3, by comparison, is an overpriced overhyped machine that has spotty backwards compatibility (plays some PS1 games, most models won't play PS2 at all) and is basically a massive tool. The system will celebrate it's 10th anniversary next year and Sony says it will support it until 2012 (and unless things with the PS3 turn around, they'd probably have to go past that.) And then there's the games. Almost any game you can find on XBox is on here, and most of the GameCube ones, and the system has many great exclusives. Big name titles are the name of the game, but innovative little gems like Ico and Shadow of the Colossus are still there. Oh and it has high profile series such as Final Fantasy and Metal Gear all to itself, not to mention somehow bamboozling Namco into making Soul Calibur III exclusive. The PS2 is the old standby, and it ain't going anywhere, not for a long ass time.

3. Nintendo DS

Made by: Nintendo
Also known as: DS, DS Lite, DSi, That Game Boy Thing With Two Screens And The Plastic Pencil Thing, Yeah, That's The One
Lifespan: 2004 - current
I felt I needed to put a handheld on the list, and it's a rough going, but let's face it. The non-Nintendo handhelds pretty much suck balls. The DS is the cumulation of over two decades of handheld design. It takes cues from all of it's predecessors, from the original Game and Watch to it's direct predecessor, the Game Boy Micro. The DS is of course known for having everything all in one package. It has two screens, a touch screen with stylus, a microphone, more buttons than the GBA/SP/M and it plays games from that system. If it played GB and GBC games I might have tried to somehow graft it onto my body. The DS boasts amazing games, innovative design and an evolution that led us to the superior DS Lite and the not so superior DSi. The DSi actually pisses me off with having great features but losing the GBA support. But as Nintendo pointed out, it's just an excuse to own two DS systems. So Hail mighty DS, king of handhelds, into your warm plastic clasp we commence, and in your bright glow we totally play Mario Kart into the small hours. Amen, motherfucker.

2. PlayStation

Made by: Sony
Also known as: PS, PS1, PSOne, PSX
Lifespan: 1994 - 2006
Nintendo's biggest mistake was allowing this thing to exist. Despite the Sega CD being a joke, Nintendo momentarily felt threatened and pursued their own CD add on, first with Phillips and then with Sony. This supposed "Nintendo PlayStation X" never materialized but Sony retooled what they had into their own 32-bit machine. The looming PlayStation was such a threat that a rep from Atari (who were producing their shitty Jaguar system at the time) claimed that the PlayStation would cost 500 bucks and anything less was price dumping and would lead to legal action. The PlayStation launched at a more typical 300 bucks and quickly dropped to 200 once real competition started showing up. The PlayStation made previous efforts at 32 bit machines and CD-ROM based machines look like a joke, even outperforming the similar Saturn machine Sega put out. The PlayStation was more than an interesting origin story however, as it's library of more than a thousand games, many of them high profile series that once called Nintendo their home, coupled with a smart marketing campaign that changed Gaming from a nerdy niche to just what everyone does. Gaming was now being marketed at the jackasses that made fun of you for your hobby, and it's okay to feel a little bit stung by that, until you start playing CastleVania: Symphony of the Night, then you're pretty much required to shut the hell up. The system also launched the PlayStation brand which is alive today despite Sony's best efforts. I could go on forever but I'll just say this: How prevalent is this thing? My spellchecker knows that you have to capitalize the "S" in PlayStation.

DRUMROLL PLEASE


1. Super Nintendo Entertainment System

Made by: Nintendo
Also known as: Super NES, SNES, Super Nintendo, God
Lifespan: 1990 - 2000
See that lifespan? This thing owned the 90's. The entire decade bows down and submits it's raw, supple bottom to Nintendo's thrusting gleaming "stylus". The Super NES put it right in the name: it's fucking super. So Super that if you thought for a second that anything else could occupy the top spot, then I would suggest a series of tests. Physical, to rule out anything like a sort of malignant tumor, and then a long, hard, penetrating battery of psychological tests.

But I digress.

I could talk about the actual system, but that'd be counter productive. So here is what I would like to call "Exhibit A".

Super Mario World, Chrono Trigger, Super Metroid, Final Fantasy IV (and VI), Super Mario Kart, Super CastleVania IV, Contra III, Super Mario RPG, Street Fighter II Turbo, Killer Instinct, Donkey Kong Country (and 2 and 3), Yoshi's Island, Mega Man X (and 2 and 3), The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, F-Zero, Kirby Super Star, Lufia II, Star Fox, Mega Man VII, Soul Blazer, Breath of Fire (and II), ActRaiser, Dragon Quest V (and VI), Super Ghouls n Ghosts, Super Bomberman (5 of them), TMNT4, Secret of Mana....

and that's just off the top of my head.

Latest videos

Did some videos yesterday...meant to do a third but it never happened, that'll be explained in a video going up later today.

Here's the latest comic book reviews



And the latest shoutouts vid.

Videos

Here's today's videos

First the unbelievably shitty Beetlejuice



A great N64 game, Blast Corps



And finally, the latest in Streets of Final Fight, Final Fight Guy

10 Systems That Fucking Disappeared

In this type of industry for a gaming system to make it onto shelves and stay there for more than a few months is a really really good accomplishment. So here are 10 systems that came and went, leaving very little (if any) impact.

CD-i

What is it?
The CD-i was the very first stand-alone CD-ROM based video gaming console. It was developed by Phillips, the creators of the CD, and marketed as more than just a video gaming console, but a multimedia entertainment system. That being said, it cost a thousand dollars, and had very few actual games. It was birthed out of a deal between Phillips and Nintendo that never happened.
What is it known for?
The CD-i is barely known at all. It had many different manufacturers, so there were several different types of CD-i machines you could buy, if you actually found a store willing to sell it. Because of the Nintendo connection and some legal wrangling, they managed to get a Mario game and three Zelda games. They are all awful and best forgotten. Sadly, the biggest thing the system is known for is birthing these abortions, which have led us to youtube poops.
So what happened?
The CD-i was shitty and expensive, which was it's death knell. If you're going to ask people to pay a thousand dollars when a Super NES costs 200, you better have something to back it up, and I'm not talking about Hotel Mario. Aside from bad games, the systems tended to fail and had poor controllers. Only one of which you could actually plug into the system at a time.

2. Nuon

What is it?
The Nuon was the machine marked as "Project X" you might remember the ad with a giant X crushing what looked like Mario's head. Oh no, a Nintendo killer! Sadly, the machine got renamed to "Nuon" and wasn't so much a console as it was a type of DVD player that could sort of play games. Like the CD-i, there's a lot of different versions.
What is it known for?
Being an embarrassing joke. There were a total of four movies and eight games that used the Nuon technology. And one of those movies was the "Planet of the Apes" remake, which if you see laying around you should destroy with a hammer, or perhaps some kind of backhoe. The games? Well when your killer app is "Tempest 3000" there's a problem. Also look at the fucking controller. That's a cheap third party N64 knockoff.
So what happened?
The company who made the Nuon went bankrupt, which provest here's some justice to the world. The company that bought them probably wrote the shit off.

3. Pippin

What is it
It's not a hobbit, it's a gaming console. Made by Apple. Before they were known for naming things after the names they already had, only adding "i" before them, they named shit after apples. This is back before Apple was hip and trendy also, so you can imagine how awesome the Pippin was. It was so awesome that it barely even existed.
What is it known for?
Mostly the controller. It had a boomerang looking controller with a trackball that was hard to hold. Remember the original design for the PS3 controller? Like that, only worse. It was another "multimedia entertainment center" which was a joke as it was supposed to compete with the likes of the PlayStation.
So what happened?
They produced so few of these that some theorized there were more accessories made than actual consoles. And they still sold less than half of them. There were about 18 games, 6 of which came with the system. And I can't even name a single one.

4. Jaguar

What is it?
It's a system you probably heard of, as it's well known as the butt of any console joke you know. What's sad is it was the most successful system on my list. It was made by Atari, which once ruled the world of gaming, but since then have become a joke. Atari was into naming their shit after cats at the time, as they also had a handheld called the Lynx and a proposed but never released console called the Panther.
What is it known for?
Aside from housing many shitty games (and so few good ones) the Jaguar was mostly known for it's controller, which had a ridiculous amount of buttons. The marketing campaign was also memorable and pretty prevalent, which led to the system's small success. "Do the math" basically got graphic whores to buy it, but you can't argue with shitty games.
So what happened?
The system started dying when everyone and their mother realized it sucked. Atari did the only thing they could think of at the time, release a CD-ROM based add-on for it. The business decision of releasing a CD-ROM add-on to a system that barely anybody has, that requires the original system, is the reason that Atari no longer makes consoles. There is a fairly big homebrew scene however.

5. Virtual Boy

What is it?
Proof that even Nintendo can fuck up royally if given enough smack. The Virtual Boy was a cash in on a Virtual Reality craze that never even happened. It was a hybrid of a console and a handheld, with a red and black 3D display, a very limited amount of games and a weird controller that had two D pads.
What is it known for?
Headaches. The games gave you headaches after only a small amount of time playing them. Add eyestrain to that and even the possibility of seizures.
So what happened?
It failed faster than an anarchist at a wheat thins party. The Virtual Boy is something of a collector's item now, as most of the units sold were returned and some people seem to have a morbid fascination with it. Saddest part is most of the games were pretty good.

6. N-Gage

What is it?
An electric Taco
What is it known for?
Okay, I should explain further. This mess was supposed to compete with the Game Boy Advance by offering superior graphics and the fact that it's also a phone. It was a terrible, uncomfortable phone and to switch games you had to take the fucking thing apart.
What happened?
It died faster than Ann Coulter's credibility.

7. Game.com

What is it
The Game.Com was like an orignal Game Boy with internet capabilities.
What was it known for
Black and white Game Boy style graphics in 1997. SERIOUSLY. And the internet thing, with it's glorious 14.4 modem.
So what happened
Despite having big name games such as Mega Man, Duke Nukem and Turok (There was even a CastleVania game in the works) the damn thing just couldn't hack it. Nobody wanted to surf the web at 14.4 on a tiny black and white screen or play Duke Nukem on a glorified Game Boy.

8. Channel F System II

What is it?
The second version of a system you probably never heard of. The original Channel F was actually really innovative and important to video game history, despite not really being a success. It pioneered the cartridge based system. However it couldn't compete with the Atari 2600 which had better graphics. System II was an attempt to do what System I couldn't.
What is it known for?
Well, nothing really. The original system had a game show that you could use your Channel F to interact with, but the second system was barely a blip on the radar.
So what happened?
Atari happened. Six games came out for the Channel F System II and then Fairchild gave up on making video games.

Q

What is it?
Nintendo again...sort of. It's a GameCube...and a DVD player. This was back when people though it was a big deal that the GameCube didn't play DVDs, as the PlayStation 2 and X-Box did this. Nintendo promised a version that would, though it was oddly released by Panasonic and never got outside of Japan.
What is it known for?
Other than looking like a printer fucked a stereo, the Q is a snazzy collector's item but it really is just a GameCube that plays DVDs.
So what happened?
People came to their senses and realized you could buy a GameCube and a DVD player for less than the cost of this thing.

Loopy

What is it
The Loopy is made by Casio, a name you probably associate with cheaply made toy synthesizers in the 80's. It's a Japanese game console marketed specifically at girls. Japanese girls.
What is it known for?
Well, the Loopy may be the only console in history to be marketed solely at girls and it really shows. Out of the 10 games released for it, almost all of them were dating games. It also made stickers.
So what happened?
It's a Casio made console with 10 games, mostly dating sims, aimed at Japanese girls that also makes stickers. What the fuck did you think happened?

Videos

Here are the videos for today.

Firstly, a great homemade game called "Chains"



A shitty version of battleship



and the latest "Streets of Final Fight" video, the snes version of Final Fight

Videos

I was gone for a while, so here's the video update and why I wasn't doing videos for a bit.

First off, I got pissed off at some comments, and this lead to a two part rant. You'll have to go to the channel and watch, as I've disabled embedding on those. However, here is the two-part followup.





Then a GameCube collection update



And my look at the Game Boy Color



Started gameplay vids again yesterday with a terrible GBA army men game



An all right genesis baseball game



And the last Streets of Rage game I'll be doing, 2 on the Game Gear



This brings me to today's videos, here is Texas Chainsaw Massacre on the Atari 2600 (yes, that's right)



Monster in my Pocket, which isn't about the peen of massive peenness



And the original Final Fight, bringing us to that part of "Streets of Final Fight". The video did something WEIRD so I had some fun with annotations.

10 Mega Man Weapons That Kick Ass

In the Mega Man games you get to use loads of weapons, here are the most asskickingist. And yes, 'asskickingist' is a word, because I demanded it to be so.

1. The Thunder Beam

Game: Mega Man
System: NES
The Thunder Beam is great, definitely the best weapon in the original Mega Man. You get plenty of shots, so it could easily replace your normal weapon, it works wonders on Ice Man, The Yellow Devil and Wily, not to mention that the sprite is huge and fires in three directions, and can destroy certain blocks. If you're one of the pause trick users, this is also the best weapon to use.

2. The Metal Blade

Game: Mega Man II
System: NES
The Metal Blade is the best reason to start with Metal Man. He's pretty easy, and once you get this, you almost don't ever need to use your regular weapon. The Metal Blade can be fired rapidly, you get loads of them, you can shoot them in any direction and here's the best part. Technically you're supposed to use it on Bubble Man. But it also works wonders on Flash Man, Wood Man, and most fortress bosses. The Metal Blade: It's Metal as Fuck!

3. The Pharoah Shot

Game: Mega Man IV
System: NES
The Pharoah Shot is great. I mean at first it seems like it sucks, it just hurls a little tiny fireball forward and doesn't do much against Ring Man, or anybody else. But you can charge it. The charge shot actually appears above Mega Man's head and you can throw it upwards or downwards. It fucks up Ring Man and almost every fortress boss, including Wily. What's best is you can hit enemies with the ball above your head, and if you keep the B button down and pause, then unpause, the ball will re-appear, basically giving you unlimited charged shots.

4. The Noise Crush

Game: Mega Man VII
System: Super NES
The Noise Crush is another one where there's more to it than meets the eye. A simple sound wave, right? (Is that two unintended transformers references already..?) Anyway, if you fire it at a wall it bounces, and if it hits you, you are instantly charged. Then shoot a larger version. Works great of course on Turbo Man, but also feel free to use it on many of the fortress bosses, and in general.

5. The Flame Sword

Game: Mega Man 8
System: Playstation
Aside from the obvious "Mega Man + Sword = Awesome + Fire = HOLY SHIT" equation, this thing is damned useful. It can fuck up Search Man, burn shit in stages, set off explosives, pretty much do everything you'd expect a goddamn flaming sword to do.

6. Fire Wave

Game: Mega Man X
System: Super NES
You can tell I like to burn shit. The Fire Wave is also short-range but man does it fuck everything up. The only down point is you can't use it underwater. The good parts are it lasts a long time, especially if you tap the button instead of holding it, and it really hurts common enemies. Chill Penguin is even easier with it, and you need it to get all the heart tanks.

7. Speed Burner

Game: Mega Man X2
System: Super NES
ANOTHER fire weapon? Bear with me. Aside from being a pretty good fireball shooting thing, this one has a great feature when you charge it up. X engulfs himself in flame and shoots forward. Basically an air dash that can go through enemies. And you can use both it and the regular air dash in the same jump (or use it during a dash jump) to get places.

8. Ray Splasher

Game: Mega Man X3
System: Super NES
Okay there's no splashing involved, and there's no rays involved. But it does shoot a ridiculous amount of shiny shit all over the place. Gotta love that. Works well as a regular weapon and has a great sound effect. Easily the best weapon in X3.

9. The Yammar Option

Game: Mega Man X6
System: Playstation
"Option" is a weird term in shooting type games. Think like Gradius. Little fireflies surround X and shoot whenever he does. It lasts a long time and you only use a shot when you replenish the flies. It fucks up most of the bosses, including Infinity Flea, who you're supposed to use the Guard Shell against, but you'd have to be insane to try it.

10. The Beam Sabre

Game: Various
System: Various
Why doesn't Zero need all the weapons that Rock and X need? Because he's carrying around a goddamn light sabre. You could use it as a one shot kill in X3, and Zero played with it normally in most of the games after that, and his own series, Mega Man Zero. Then of course, X can use it in certain games (X3, and X6). It's always awesome, and so fucking satisfying to slice through robots with.