CD-i
What is it?
The CD-i was the very first stand-alone CD-ROM based video gaming console. It was developed by Phillips, the creators of the CD, and marketed as more than just a video gaming console, but a multimedia entertainment system. That being said, it cost a thousand dollars, and had very few actual games. It was birthed out of a deal between Phillips and Nintendo that never happened.
What is it known for?
The CD-i is barely known at all. It had many different manufacturers, so there were several different types of CD-i machines you could buy, if you actually found a store willing to sell it. Because of the Nintendo connection and some legal wrangling, they managed to get a Mario game and three Zelda games. They are all awful and best forgotten. Sadly, the biggest thing the system is known for is birthing these abortions, which have led us to youtube poops.
So what happened?
The CD-i was shitty and expensive, which was it's death knell. If you're going to ask people to pay a thousand dollars when a Super NES costs 200, you better have something to back it up, and I'm not talking about Hotel Mario. Aside from bad games, the systems tended to fail and had poor controllers. Only one of which you could actually plug into the system at a time.
2. Nuon
What is it?
The Nuon was the machine marked as "Project X" you might remember the ad with a giant X crushing what looked like Mario's head. Oh no, a Nintendo killer! Sadly, the machine got renamed to "Nuon" and wasn't so much a console as it was a type of DVD player that could sort of play games. Like the CD-i, there's a lot of different versions.
What is it known for?
Being an embarrassing joke. There were a total of four movies and eight games that used the Nuon technology. And one of those movies was the "Planet of the Apes" remake, which if you see laying around you should destroy with a hammer, or perhaps some kind of backhoe. The games? Well when your killer app is "Tempest 3000" there's a problem. Also look at the fucking controller. That's a cheap third party N64 knockoff.
So what happened?
The company who made the Nuon went bankrupt, which provest here's some justice to the world. The company that bought them probably wrote the shit off.
3. Pippin
What is it
It's not a hobbit, it's a gaming console. Made by Apple. Before they were known for naming things after the names they already had, only adding "i" before them, they named shit after apples. This is back before Apple was hip and trendy also, so you can imagine how awesome the Pippin was. It was so awesome that it barely even existed.
What is it known for?
Mostly the controller. It had a boomerang looking controller with a trackball that was hard to hold. Remember the original design for the PS3 controller? Like that, only worse. It was another "multimedia entertainment center" which was a joke as it was supposed to compete with the likes of the PlayStation.
So what happened?
They produced so few of these that some theorized there were more accessories made than actual consoles. And they still sold less than half of them. There were about 18 games, 6 of which came with the system. And I can't even name a single one.
4. Jaguar
What is it?
It's a system you probably heard of, as it's well known as the butt of any console joke you know. What's sad is it was the most successful system on my list. It was made by Atari, which once ruled the world of gaming, but since then have become a joke. Atari was into naming their shit after cats at the time, as they also had a handheld called the Lynx and a proposed but never released console called the Panther.
What is it known for?
Aside from housing many shitty games (and so few good ones) the Jaguar was mostly known for it's controller, which had a ridiculous amount of buttons. The marketing campaign was also memorable and pretty prevalent, which led to the system's small success. "Do the math" basically got graphic whores to buy it, but you can't argue with shitty games.
So what happened?
The system started dying when everyone and their mother realized it sucked. Atari did the only thing they could think of at the time, release a CD-ROM based add-on for it. The business decision of releasing a CD-ROM add-on to a system that barely anybody has, that requires the original system, is the reason that Atari no longer makes consoles. There is a fairly big homebrew scene however.
5. Virtual Boy
What is it?
Proof that even Nintendo can fuck up royally if given enough smack. The Virtual Boy was a cash in on a Virtual Reality craze that never even happened. It was a hybrid of a console and a handheld, with a red and black 3D display, a very limited amount of games and a weird controller that had two D pads.
What is it known for?
Headaches. The games gave you headaches after only a small amount of time playing them. Add eyestrain to that and even the possibility of seizures.
So what happened?
It failed faster than an anarchist at a wheat thins party. The Virtual Boy is something of a collector's item now, as most of the units sold were returned and some people seem to have a morbid fascination with it. Saddest part is most of the games were pretty good.
6. N-Gage
What is it?
An electric Taco
What is it known for?
Okay, I should explain further. This mess was supposed to compete with the Game Boy Advance by offering superior graphics and the fact that it's also a phone. It was a terrible, uncomfortable phone and to switch games you had to take the fucking thing apart.
What happened?
It died faster than Ann Coulter's credibility.
7. Game.com
What is it
The Game.Com was like an orignal Game Boy with internet capabilities.
What was it known for
Black and white Game Boy style graphics in 1997. SERIOUSLY. And the internet thing, with it's glorious 14.4 modem.
So what happened
Despite having big name games such as Mega Man, Duke Nukem and Turok (There was even a CastleVania game in the works) the damn thing just couldn't hack it. Nobody wanted to surf the web at 14.4 on a tiny black and white screen or play Duke Nukem on a glorified Game Boy.
8. Channel F System II
What is it?
The second version of a system you probably never heard of. The original Channel F was actually really innovative and important to video game history, despite not really being a success. It pioneered the cartridge based system. However it couldn't compete with the Atari 2600 which had better graphics. System II was an attempt to do what System I couldn't.
What is it known for?
Well, nothing really. The original system had a game show that you could use your Channel F to interact with, but the second system was barely a blip on the radar.
So what happened?
Atari happened. Six games came out for the Channel F System II and then Fairchild gave up on making video games.
Q
What is it?
Nintendo again...sort of. It's a GameCube...and a DVD player. This was back when people though it was a big deal that the GameCube didn't play DVDs, as the PlayStation 2 and X-Box did this. Nintendo promised a version that would, though it was oddly released by Panasonic and never got outside of Japan.
What is it known for?
Other than looking like a printer fucked a stereo, the Q is a snazzy collector's item but it really is just a GameCube that plays DVDs.
So what happened?
People came to their senses and realized you could buy a GameCube and a DVD player for less than the cost of this thing.
Loopy
What is it
The Loopy is made by Casio, a name you probably associate with cheaply made toy synthesizers in the 80's. It's a Japanese game console marketed specifically at girls. Japanese girls.
What is it known for?
Well, the Loopy may be the only console in history to be marketed solely at girls and it really shows. Out of the 10 games released for it, almost all of them were dating games. It also made stickers.
So what happened?
It's a Casio made console with 10 games, mostly dating sims, aimed at Japanese girls that also makes stickers. What the fuck did you think happened?
Wow, this is awsome! Keep it up Necro! :)
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