Monday, September 14, 2009

10 Simple Things A Lot of Games Fuck Up.

Here are some things that no game should fuck up, basic shit. But they do anyway.

1. A button jumps, B button attacks

For those of us who grew up playing Mario, Metroid and Mega Man and the like, this is ridiculous. Why change what we all have come to know and love? Sure, maybe you're one of those few who grew up with Alex Kidd, but here's a good way to fix it so everyone is happy


Biggest offender I've seen is the Mega Man Anniversary Collection, which switched up what we all know and love. I still love the collection but goddamn if that isn't a pain in the ass. And you can't change it.

And it doesn't matter which is A and which is B or if they're called X and Square or whatever, you know what I'm fucking talking about.

2. Let me move around goddamnit

There are two ways this pisses me off.

A) In RPGs and the like, I understand there's a big emphasis on story. But some games have so much story in the beginning that it could literally be over an hour before you're able to even control your character in any meaningful way.

B) In action games, I want to play the damn game. The first thing I do in these sorts of games is try out the controls, get the hang of my character and mess around a little. I hate games where you take two steps forward and boom you're in a cutscene. If you're gonna do that, don't fucking tease me, just have the cutscene first and then let me play the fucking game!

Which brings me to...

3. Let me skip the goddamn cutscenes!

There are a few reasons why I'd want to skip a cutscene. Sure sometimes the story is important, but let's say I've played the damn game before. Or maybe I died once already and I'm replaying a part. Don't make me watch the same fucking long ass cutscene over again. Some games only let you skip cutscenes after you've watched them once, which I can kind of understand, but sometimes, you just don't give a shit (sonic).

4. Invisible walls are lame

To keep it short: Draw a barrier. And don't cock it up by putting up something lame like a chain link fence that your super powered machine gun toting army of one can't get through, or even interact with in any way.

5. Random kills are fucking weak.

You're just walking along and suddenly the ground beneath you cracks, you fall through and die. Does that make sense? It's a beginner's trap that has no place in games. Either give an indication that something is dangerous or don't make it kill you. Once you know to jump over the third brick from the left, you're going to do it every time, so what's the point? Action games should not be about memorization, keep that sort of crap for games like Dragon's Lair.

6. Random dead ends are a fucking waste of time.

What is pictured above is a maze. Mazes are fine. Fun, actually. However the random dead end is a thing that happens in an RPG where you're faced with two choices and one leads to a dead end. You go to the end and come back, probably having to fight one or two enemies along the way. Why do this? If it's not a maze, then at least put something in there like an item or something.

7. Fuck escort missions

There are two exceptions to the "fuck escort missions" thing. One is Ico, which is itself one giant escort mission. The other are games like Resident Evil, which rely on horror for ambience. Otherwise, no one likes this shit. The worst offenders are combat games. I just want to shoot shit, not give cover while some other person does the shit I want to be doing.

8. Punching Superman doesn't hurt him

Please, if you're basing your character on a comic book, book, movie, tv show or whatever, then know their powers and weaknesses. Populating a Superman game with a bunch of random thugs who can whittle away your energy by punching (or in that case, even shooting at you with guns) is stupid.

9. 3D isn't necessarily better than 2D

I'll let the image speak for itself.

10. Roster updates should be down loadable content.

Maybe it's because the Madden crowd is too stupid to realize they just paid 60 dollars for a graphical touch up and a roster update. Personally though, EA would make MORE money if they charged 30 bucks for DLC and save millions on manufacturing boxes, DVDs, game manuals and then shipping it all.

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