10 Ways to Save Sonic

Sonic fucking sucks, but it didn't used to be that way. The classic games, Sonic, Sonic 2, Sonic 3, Sonic and Knuckles, were all great. Now we get shit. Now Sega is once again teasing us with another Sonic game that looks like it might be a return to form. But remember, that's what people thought about 2006's "Sonic the Hedgehog" and then "Sonic Unleashed" until the shittiness was "Unleashed" later on.

So here's 10 steps to take to save him.

1. Don't be afraid of 2D

The new Sonic promises to be 2D but honestly, I've heard that before. What's funny is while Heroes and all that bullshit was stinking up the shelves there were three great sonic games, on Game Boy Advance. They were 2D. Not every single series translates well to 3D, and Sonic is better off in 2D. I'm not saying I'm against the idea of further 3D Sonic games, but they gotta work on their execution, hardcore.

2. Don't force me to play as characters I don't want to play as

Once again, I point to the Sonic Advance games. You can play as Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and Amy and whatever other characters they stuck in the sequels like Cream (heh heh heh), but the game started with a damn characters select screen. If you want to only play as Sonic, you can do that. And all the characters play the same levels, meaning you're not missing out on some great level because you don't want to play as some asshole fishing cat.

3. Less story scenes

The screenshot says it all. The 2D games never had this shit, but as soon as he moves into the 3rd dimension, they feel the need to crowd it up with cutscenes. Sonic Adventure was okay, and it's sequel to a lesser extent, but after that it got nuts. The ridiculous Final Fantasy style Sonic The Hedgehog '06 was the final straw. Interspecies romance? No thanks.

4. Back to the roots, storywise

In the old days, there was a story and it was basic. Sonic was good, Eggman is bad, so go beat him up. It got a bit more than that as more characters were introduced but it was simple fun, good vs evil with no ultimate weapons or eggman's grandpa or whatever bullshit.

5. No Sword/Werewolf/Bestiality bullshit

I find myself saying why a lot. Why does sonic have a sword, why is he a werewolf, why does he have a human girlfriend, why doesn't he push Amy off a cliff. Please, make it so I don't ask these things anymore.

6. We'd rather have a short, great game than a long one padded with bullshit.

Sonic Team has pretty much come out and said they know the newer games such and that they suffer from "low quality". They also told us why. With the amazing 3D graphics we expect, they'd have to do an awful lot of rendering to make scenery that you'll just blur by anyway. So they could spend years making a game that lasts 5 hours. So they pad it with nonsense like werewolf parts and cutscenes. But you know what? It didn't take anywhere near 5 hours to play through Sonic 3. And that game rocked. We'll take the short game any over the one with all the bullcrap.

7. No more racing games.

Put a stop to this immediately, lest we suffer another "Sonic R"

8. Put the Chaos Emeralds and Bonus levels back in the game

This was always fun, finding the bonus levels and trying to get all the emeralds so we couuld become Super Sonic. Now it's just an obligatory part of the game. Yawn.

9. Work with the characters you have instead of introducing new ones.

It seems that with each of these games, they introduce a whole bunch more of these furry bastards and I can't even keep them straight anymore. Silver the Hedgehog? Is he like Silver Sonic? Fuck it. Just use the core characters and let the fringe ones be forgotten.

10. No more of this shit.

*STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP*