Monday, July 27, 2009

10 Worst Concepts For Games

Firstly, I want to say, sorry for the lack of updates, last week was just bad for me. Secondly, I've decided to adopt a Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule for updating, so enjoy that.

So anyway, here's 10 concepts that you'd never think would have been made into games if the world was a sane and fair place.

1. Corporate Mascots

So great, we get to play as Ronald McDonald, or the Noid or the California Raisens, or the Crash Test Dummies. The problem is, who thought people WANTED to, and what is their home address?

2. Games based on movies

You could probably come up with a bunch that are good, but the fact is it's such a patently bad idea. Usually for maximum cashish, companies try to time game releases with the releases of the movies themselves. This leaves developers with a very short time table and a large budget, which is like giving a monkey crack and a shotgun. Factor in the fact that movie studios want to be a part of how the game is made without usually knowing anything about game design and the damn things are crippled before they're finished. Then what's released is usually a half-finished monstrocity that should be buried, dug up, shat on, then buried again.

3. Games based on old-ass TV shows from the 1970s.

It boggles my mind that someone though the time was ripe for a "Dukes of Hazzard" game, about 20 years after everybody officially stopped giving a shit. Same goes for Starsky and Hutch, while at least there was a pretty cool movie version around the same time, the game was based on the original show. Probably the oddest thing is all the Adams Family themed games that used to be around, the strangest thing is that some of them were kinda decent.

4. Non Rhythm Games based on Bands.

Before they invented games like Guitar Hero Aerosmith and Rock Band Beatles, there were still games based on bands, which is fucking odd. There was a Journey arcade game, a Michael Jackson platformer, Aerosmith had a first person shooter, Kiss had a pinball game, Kriss Kross had a game based on video editing (seriously?) as did Marky Mark (WTF) and don't even fucking get me started on the fucking Britney Spears/Spice Girls bullshit on Playstation. The saddest thing is even now we get shit like "50 Cent: Blood on the Sand"

5. Virtual Pet Sims

The tamagotchi never went away, it just got more expensive and uses a stylus now. Maybe the fine gentlemen at Famtisu can explain why they gave Nintendogs a perfect score but my guess is either loads of shrooms or loads of whores.

6. Porn

Because why spend a few bucks on a magazine or these days just browse online for free to get your porn, when you can play usually impossibly hard and/or stupid mini games for pixelated and/or censored porn clips in a full priced video game? Because shut up, that's why.

7. Celebrities doing stupid shit

Because we all want to make the Olsen twins wash cars, right? That's what fun is these days? Kinda makes you want to shoot yourself 16 times with a nailgun.

8. Dolls

Do I really even fucking need to say anything?



Well I'd point out that real dolls are cheaper and probably way more fun than fake virtual dolls, but I guess then I'd be fucking captain obvious, wouldn't I?

9. Shit that's more fun in real life

Get out a little, not everything has to be a video game.

10. The Bible

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